Monday, October 30, 2006
Prepare to Suffer the Painful Laughter, Created Only By a Direct Roundhouse Kick to the Funnybone From Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
So I guess the U.S. really isn't interested in ever winning the World Cup. Nevermind the fact that there are way too many kids who already look like this. Why not some more?
I really feel sorry for all the kids in Western New York this Halloween.
Well. It's about time.
And of all the things that are being banned, why isn't this on the list?
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Have I mentioned that I love fall? Here's a recipe to warm your bones as the cool weather rolls in.
1 lb lean ground beef
1 can tomato paste
1 can black beans
1 can browned beans in tomato sauce
1 can diced tomatoes
1/2 cup corn, frozen or canned
2 stalks of celery, chopped
1 medium Spanish onion, diced
1 red pepper, diced
2 jalapeño, seeds removed, diced
1 small zucchini, diced
1 large portabella mushroom, sliced to 1 inch
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp cumin seed
1 tbsp chili powder
Salt and cracked pepper to taste
2 bay leaves
3 cloves of garlic, minced
¼ cup cider vinegar
¼ cup brown sugar
1 tsp Tabasco
Turn on the crock pot to high and add the diced tomatoes, corn, beans and mushrooms. Sauté the beef, onions, peppers, celery, zucchini and garlic until they are half way cooked, then add them to the crock pot. In a mixing bowl, whisk together the tomato paste, vinegar, sugar, spices and Tabasco. Stir the mixture into the crock pot along with the bay leaves. Cover and bring the pot to a bubble. Then reduce to low and let cook for at least 6 hours, stirring occasionally. Serve in bowls and garnish with extra old, shredded cheddar cheese.
~ your welcome ;o)
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
There are a few things that spurred this post. It started way back with the question I asked earl and his answer, with which we also discovered that slyde looks like chachi. I have kept the game in the back of my mind.
But it is this hot chick who really inspired me. Or should I say the blogger that she reminds me of. Check out the lips.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
...and in other news, I's gotsta get me an airmiles card.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I need to post more.
This past weekend was Thanksgiving for those of us north of the border. I had the pleasure of consuming 2 turkey dinners. One of which was...I can't even say it....ahem....deep fried. Sacrilege!
I couldn't believe it. There it was, in all of it's bare and dimpled glory, boiling away in a great silver vat of oil. Indeed, a part of me has died. Despite the turkey defamation, it was a lovely day. Sun breaking through the lightened branches, illuminating reds, gold and ambers; laying striking shadows along dampened ground. My mama's house was packed to the hilt with 25 crazy people who bear some sort of resemblance to my self. I was in charge of vegetables. So I made a Butternut Squash Soup and 2 Baked Cauliflower dishes. One in a green chile sour cream with shredded cheddar. And one in a roasted red pepper sauce with a crumble of goat cheese. There was of course the mash, stuffing, brussel sprouts, rolls, salad and loads of gravy. Dessert was an array of mini- mousse cakes, ranging from chocolate decadence to pumpkin swirl and pecan delight, fresh from a friend's local bakery. My sister in law donated her fabulous -from- scratch lemon meringue pie and Grandma made apple pie.
The next day we ventured on over to the other half's. Dinner there is ultra traditional (aka not fried). You can bet there will always be a slow roasted bird, sliced carrots, mashers, stuffing, yorkshire pudding and loads of gravy. Dessert is always homemade pumpkin pie. I love sameness. It's so reliable.
Monday I finally made it to the fair. Ms. Munchkin went on her first ride ever! It was a train of cars that went around in a loop with a small hill somewhere in the middle. I set her in then had to stand behind the gates. My heart was pounding in my throat as I waved the red balloon so she could see where I'd gone to. But she never looked back. She took hold a'that wheel and she turned and turned. I kept having nightmarish visions of all the children trying to get out and being mutilated by miniature purple cars. But the ride ended safely of course, and Ms. Munchkin was stoked for another ride. She had her heart set on riding a dragon rollercoaster but she wasn't 'this high'. So Super Auntie took her through the fun house that exits on to a giant slide. Loved it! By the end of the day we'd nourished ourselves well with Fries, icecream, fudge and popsicles. And let's not forget the spoils. Grandma bought baby to be a handmade set of a hat, mits and a coat. But it was Ms. Munchkin who took the cake. Super Uncle won her a giant purple unicorn, by shooting out the star with the rifle. He also won her a Secrets Care Bear by winning a frog race. While grandma braved it out with the guess your weight and brought home the little black puppy. Munchkin slept with all of them last night....and I went to bed right after her.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
~ Why do matches smell like feet? Feet smell like cheese~ cheese is made from milk~ milk comes from cows~ cows fart~ farts are smelly gas~ Matches produce sulphur~ Sulphur is a smelly gas ∴ matches smell like feet.
~ Cat dies ≠ can't go to work
~ November 3rd, 2006
~ "He scares me so!"
~ In the good ole days we used a bottle and a dime.
~ December 16th, 2006