Saturday, September 30, 2006

Green Fish's Poetry Contest

The Chicken Fucker's Fable

I am the Chicken Fucker
born to a feather plucker
aka Ms. Chicken Tucker;
see, Mama had a fetish for
a chicken up her pinafore.

Around the barn I'd gravitate
to woo the hens out for a date
on which my fiery loins could sate;
all this against Ms. Tucker's warn,
"hen dates'll bring your pecker harm!"

A silly, horny lad was I
for rubbing chickens up my thigh
all to the shock of passers-by
(I did, I forgot to mention,
enjoy a crowd for cuckold sessions).

I should have heard my dear old Ma
who's a scar on her vagina
from just this sort of whoopala
(which, by the way, I do no more
my pecker still is mighty sore).

T'was a sunny day, the air was warm
the same as most on our chicken farm
when my favourite hen did bring me harm;
She mistook my long and pinkish nob
for an ear of corn still on the cob.

So if you want to fuck a hen
you might want to stop and think again
of what could happen to you then.
For a penis that's been pecked by hens
is a penis that has seen the end.


Friday, September 29, 2006

Is Japan Bored?

So I was showing the boy lizzy's latest entry. We laughed. We cringed. We laughed again. And then my brilliant boy steered me to this. I hope it's not because he's been buying them.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


And the first item up for auction is an authentic JAMU stick. What a wonderful play on words this fancy item is. Only $0.99!

Our second item up for bids is a classic WTF. It's that classic back-of-the-toilet piece everyone is looking for!

In the off chance you're already the proud owner of the first two, check out item number three. What better way to show the lady in your life (shiny!) just how much you appreciate her good lovin', than with this stunning pendant. Also available in red.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Sweet Sunday Sounds

Sorry for leaving you alone for so long with the scary penis mishaps. It's been a long, long weekend. Full of work, work, more work and THE BEST CONCERT EVER! Last night I let the boys in my life cash in on their father's day presents: 4 tickets to Eric Clapton and Robert Cray at the ACC. Wow. Now everyone knows who Eric Clapton is. Well. Everyone except our cabbie. But who is Robert Cray you ask? Shame on you. This is Robert Cray. And all I can say is that he made me cry. I know. I'm a big ball of pregnant hormones, but seriously. Live music has often brought me to tears and last night it was all Mr. Cray's fault. Sorry to run so quick but it's back off to work for me. Poor little me with a sore throat.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

New News To Me

Well folks. In case you were worried about the extra-fluffy birds down by the pond. Worry no more. They all deliver.

Help me out here boys. I can't decide if this is good news or bad news.

Never listen to a witch doctor. Proof.

And, for those of you who may have missed it the first time, this is the Hoff in action!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Look At Those Mc-Tit-ilating Eggplant(s) Soup

I know. I know. Soup again. But I love soup. I make great soup. And it's soup season. Soup will keep away the nasty fall change of season colds. Onions for the lungs and cayenne for the mucus. MMMMM MUUUCUS. So, on to the recipe.

Stuff You Have ta Use
1 Large, firm, yet supple and smooth eggplant, peeled and sliced into small quarter inch strips (So they look like french fries)
1 medium onion of spanish descent, diced
2 beefy portobello mushrooms, washed, de-stemmed, de-finned (Use a soup spoon to scoop out those black fins), cut in half then sliced thin
3 cloves garlic, minced
6 tbsp butter
3 tbsp flour
6 cups vegetable stock or broth
1 tsp dried tarragon or 20g of fresh and chopped
1/8 tsp thyme
pinch celery seed
1 tbsp fresh sqeezed lemon juice
cracked pepper and salt to taste
1/4 cup stelline pasta (little tiny stars)

How You Use All the Stuff in perfect harmony, side by side on my piano keyboard, oh lord-why don't we?

Ok. Melt 1/2 your butter in a stockpot. Saute onions and garlic until onions are translucent. Stir in sliced eggplant and add more butter. Let heat for several minutes. Sift flour in and stir. Add your stock immediately. Then add mushrooms, seasonings and pasta. Bring to a boil then reduce and let simmer for 10 minutes. Adjust seasonings to taste. Great as a starter to a Pork or Lamb entree. Or enjoy it for lunch with some rye toast.

your welcome ;o)

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I Need Answers People

Is it wrong to find this funny?

Why is it inaudible but unreasonable and illegible?

What happens in someone's childhood that makes them have a fetish for poop and pee when they grow up? Wait. Don't anwer that.

This is soooo cool. Please tell me it's true.

Why? Why? Do da da da da, da da da da...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Lukas Rossi - Be Yourself

Who called it? Freakishly small as he may be, Lukas is Tommy's new front man. And he kicks ass.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

WTF of the Week

This week's WTF is brought to you straight from the toy pile at my aunt's house. Apparently this is a bingo prize. One of the many reasons why I do not play bingo. Against my better judgement the kids were pushing this around in a doll stroller. It only became more frightening when I found out what it actually is. Even more shocking is the fact that there are more of them in different suits. This one is of course a chicken suit. But there is also the pumpkin suit and the artist. In the off chance that you are a freak and you want one, you can Buy It Now.

*Update* Just to settle the score here people, the above is indeed Chicken Larry of the 3 stooges. This here's the Hoff action figure in action. Oh and it's voting time again you sneaky mutha fucka's. Look to the right. It's BLUE remember? In case you care Lukas killed with a whopping 3 votes over Toby's measly 1 (sorry liz).

Monday, September 11, 2006

Ode To Elizabeth Mary Ryan

What can I say.
It's Monday.
It's raining and cold. A damp, relentless cold that makes me wish I had socks on. Like those assholes in high school who wore socks and sandals and shorts well into December, I am protesting wearing socks in the house. It's still summer dammit.
The weather is fitting any how.
Last week my sister in law lost two of her grandparents, one from each side, within days of each other. Her grandmother on her father's side had been sick for a while now. So as sad as it is, it wasn't without expectation. For the next bit, you have to understand that her father's side are Newfies. That is, they are from Newfoundland. And unless you want to suffer the mockery of an east coaster don't ever call it like it's written. It's Newfin-land, understand? Ok. So the funeral itself was, of course, very sad. Very catholic and very sad. When it finished, we retired to an aunt's house who lives nearby. It's packed. There is a ridiculous amount of food that I immediately help myself to and then to the backyard where I park myself on a card chair amongst a lot of newfs I don't know. This is where the day gets a little more interesting than I'd expected. One of Lisa's uncles is showing off the box he made that will serve as an urn for his mother's ashes. I look on with a heavy heart as I can't imagine how hard it would be to have made such a thing. That is until the uncle started into the story of the box. Hilarious actually. Lisa's grandma had requested something nice to be taken home in. Hence the box. But being newfs, none of it could go off without some jest. So they all had teased her they'd be sendin' er back to Newfin-land in a Mason jar. Which is exactly what they still plan to do; A Mason jar inside the beautiful box. And inside of that, her. But before she was to be cremated there was one more thing. A smoke. But as Lisa's uncle so eloquently put it "What good's a fuckin' smoke without a light." So in they tossed a lighter and said, "Now she'll really go out with a bang!" This story was told amid roars of laughter and tears. It's hard to relay without the accent and the pre-knowledge of the wit of a newfie. But let me tell ya. Hearing it, made me wish I'd had the chance to know Lisa's grandma a whole lot better. The eldest of 5 girls and 11 brothers, Elizabeth was dearly loved and I know there are many empty hearts that aren't so jovial today.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

On the Road to Wealthville Baby!

Some of these are eerily true....and all I did was type in my name. Must be run by the CIA.

Kat Highway
Childbirth Hospital8
Bewilderment Avenue19
Family Farm37
Study Hall153
Please Drive Carefully

Where are you on the highway of life?


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Lukas Rossi - Headspin (Rockstar Supernova)

Personally I prefer Lukas. His freakishness is eerily honest. Gotta have respect for that.
Please vote for your favourite. It's silly. But dammit I want you to vote. You can do so by looking to the right of this post. There, underneath my profile, you shall see a blue box where you can choose to smash the guitar for either Lukas or Toby. I put it there and I think it's neat, so use it dammit. And yes, for today, I'm that bossy girl in your kindergarten class who coereces everyone to eat glue and pee in the sandbox.
Toby Rand - Throw It Away (Rockstar Supernova)

I'm cookin' up your food as we speak. We'll start this evening with Lizzies request for Potato Soup. In the mean time. Have a listen will ya! This is Toby's original and it kicks some serious ass. Love the rock n' roll baby.

D-liz-ious Potato(e) Soup

Ok my dear lizzy. Soup's on.

Things To Go Buy From the Store If They're Not In Your Fridge~

8 yukon gold potatoes, washed and cubed (reserve 2 cubed potatoes)
1/2 cup of cooked and diced Virginia smoked ham
100g shredded, smoked Gouda (about 3/4 cup)
100g shredded, extra old Cheddar (about 3/4 cup)
6 cups of chicken or vegetable broth/stock or equal amounts water with boullion...but stock is better.
1 cup of heavy cream (*warning* you can substitute lesser cream or milk but it just won't be as tasty)
4 shallots, diced
2 clove of garlic, minced
20g fresh rosemary
1 bay leaf
salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste
1/2 tsp each of mustard powder, onion powder and white pepper
6 tbsp butter

Chop Up the Stuff That Needs Chopping First~

Dice Potatoes
Dice Ham
Shred Cheese
Chop Shallots

Let the Games Begin~

In a non-stick skillet- melt 3 tbsp of butter and begin to saute the 2 potatoes that you set aside from the rest of the pile. Make sure you do this on a low heat so as not to brown them too fast. We'll come back to this pan (but don't you forget about it and go setting any fires or anything).

In a stock pot- melt the remaining butter and add shallots and garlic. Saute on medium heat until shallots are caramelized (golden). Add remaining potatoes, rosemary, stock and seasonings. Bring to a soft boil. Cover and let bubble until potatoes are soft.

Back to the skillet- Add the ham and turn the heat up to med high. Get those taters browning and the ham warming. This should only take several minutes. Once browned, remove from heat (and turn the burner OFF now...remember, no fires).

Back to the pot- Remove the pot from the burner momentarily. Using a hand mixer (if you don't have one use a blender or cuisinart...but for the love of god let the mixture cool a little first) blend the mixture until smooth. Taste and adjust seasonings. Slowly stir in the cream and then the cheeses. Add the sauteed potatoes and ham. Heat for several more minutes....then enjoy!!!
If you're entertaining or always like your food to look fancy, even if only for your fine self, then you can garnish with a few shreds of cheese and a sprig of fresh rosemary. Serve with toasted baguette or cracked pepper flat breads.

Your welcome ;o)

Monday, September 04, 2006

The Irony Is Too Thick Now

RIP Mr. Crocodile Hunter.