It's Not Just the Hormones

At 36 weeks, visits to the doctor change from bi-weekly to every week. Contrary to what it may seem, these more frequent appointments make the time go by slower. On Wednesday, I had one such appointment. I walked into the office and approached the reception desk. To my right I noticed a girl sitting in a waiting chair. She was nervously eyeing the kid and I, as if we were intimidating her. As we passed her by to do our weekly washroom thing, she finally looked away in shame, clutching her stomache. Must be really sick, I thought and I hoped it wasn't contagious. We returned from the washroom and sat down in our choice of any chair. The girl was no longer there but I could hear a young, female voice around the corner speaking to the lady in reception. The voice was small and wavery. From what I could gather she had been waiting without checking in first. The next bit was inaudible. Then, from around the same corner, came the girl being ushered past us by the receptionist and shown toward the washroom. The girl's head was still hanging. Within a brief moment she had returned and was waiting fist in palm, head down on the edge of one of the many chairs. I'd been reprocessing all that I'd seen and I was starting to realize what was going on. In another moment, the nurse returned. Her hand found the girl's shoulder and her voice was soft and quick as she reassured the girl that the technician had her sample and would call her just as soon as there was an answer. My heart sank. It was clear now why she had been here. I wanted so badly to grab her hand, to stop her as she rushed by. To look at her straight and tell her it would be ok. That even though it felt like a death sentence now, having a child would actually make her better. That it would make her stronger and love harder than she could have ever imagined. That it would give her a drive and an eye for the world that she otherwise may never have had. But she rushed by too quickly and then she was gone. All of my urgent intentions slammed shut with the office door as I realized she wouldn't have heard me. She'd only have thought I was crazy. Some hormone fostered vehicle, sputtering lovely nonsense as mothers do.

Last night I went to bed feeling tired and ready. But as soon as my head hit the pillow the urgency returned. No thought of the girl yet, but the feeling was the same. Suddenly I burst into tears. Sobbing uncontrollably. Where had this fit of emotion come from? It's not just the hormones, I thought. It's fear. I've done this before and still I'm terrified. Not of anything in particular, just a general fear of the unknown. The fear of not being in control and with that thought the girl shot to the forefront of my mind. She must be so afraid. I lay my arm across the newly committed soul next to me allowing myself to find comfort in his quiet warmth and hoped that the girl would allow herself to find the same.