I like to watch shows about ghosts. I'm not totally convinced of ghosts per se but I am sure of there being a whole lot to be filed under Unexplained. And that I like. It's freaky good. Which probably explains my affinity for the horror flick. The hubby on the other hand claims he hates this stuff. He's tried to tell me it's because he doesn't believe in it, but last night I discovered it's actually because he DOES.
He told me that when he was a teenager he was at a girlfriend's place with a few friends, watching a movie. He had been lying on the floor near the t.v. and when he tried to get up he felt a hand on his back pushing him down again. He completely flipped out and all of his friends were laughing and asking what the hell he was freaking out for. He told them and his girlfriend admitted that her grandmother had passed away in the house. So I asked him if he had been intimate with her in the house and he said yes. I laughed and told him it was probably her granny's way of saying, "take your sweaty mitts off my granddaughter."
So after all this ghost talk we head to bed. I (like Liz) take a leap into bed so as to avoid anything that might be lingering underneath. Now, I mentioned earlier that I like watching ghost shows. One of them is Paranormal State; a show about kids from Penn State that are investigating claims of paranormal activity. Apparently there is a time between 3 and 4 AM called dead time, when paranormal activity is most active. Sure. I don't ask questions. So last night I'm awoken suddenly (by what I'm not totally sure) and the light is on. And my cat is there on the night stand. As I turn to shoo her away she knocks the light to the floor and slinks around the corner. I am confused. WHY IS THE LIGHT ON? It's a pull switch. Did the cat pull the switch? How can a cat pull a switch? Then I look at the clock. 3:06. Yikes! Dead time! WTF. Now I'm scared. I manage to drift back to sleep only to be awoken again exactly 30 minutes later: 3:36. And by what I don't know. Just awake. So I pull the blankets up over my head and curl into the hubby, cause everyone knows that ghosts can't get you when you're snuggled under blankets.
A side note: When Grace was a newborn I had her in bed to feed her. I had removed all her clothes because newborns tend to fall asleep when they're eating, so keeping them cool helps keep them awake...yaddayaddayadda...when she finished I went to redress her and her little hat was gone. Vanished. And we've never seen it since. We've also lost several soothers. They go into bed with baby, but they don't come out. And there have been numerous occasions when certain baby toys go off all by themselves. Now I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'...
*update: since posting this, my blog header font is white and I can't change it...weeeeirrrd
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Sunday, March 18, 2007
St. Patty's Day Tales
So much to tell so little time.
Full story -complete with photos- to come and here are some of the highlights:
- met moxy and green fish
- Angus Thripshaw lives!
- laughing on the inside
- Keeping up (newfie) Appearances
- Larry David on keys
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
As Seen On Paper
My brother sent me this one. It's pretty funny, like when your friend asks the cab driver if he just ate a sub cause his cab smells like fresh sub, but really it was the cabbie that smelt and it probably wasn't sub at all, just really bad bad B.O. like the guy I had to sit beside in band whose stench was so rank that it actually hurt my nose forcing me to cover it with my sleeve in between toots on my french horn. True stories, like those untold of the E.R.
Every year, English teachers from across the US can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners...
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19
p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Every year, English teachers from across the US can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners...
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19
p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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