Well, it's morning and my feet are cold. Had a crazy dream about making a cottage cheese dish with crumbled blue cheese, too much dill and a garnish cut from parsley that looked like a peacock's fan. Apparently this was a cooking revelation. And something else about a peanut sort of brittle, full of bugs that somehow got cooked in and I didn't know it till I'd eaten nearly the entire thing. I've conveniently forgotten the rest. Not so easy to forget would be THAT guy. Every wedding has one. In my case, HE would be my new brother in law. I use new loosely because I've known the guy for 9 years now. But I have never seen him so drunk. His current lady hates drinking so he rarely does it, except at weddings when he drinks way too much and makes a complete ass out of himself. I should have seen it coming, what with the 4 drinks in front of him at dinner. His first offence was the brief ribbing of his brother about pot growing/smoking and something about fire, a trailer and burning to the ground. At least he kept it short.
Offence number 2 would have to be his befriending of the bartender. I'm sure the poor guy has seen worse and I'd be interested to hear that story considering what I'm about to tell you. His wooing began with early -70's -type pornographic details of what he was going to do with or to his unsuspecting girlfriend (you know the one who hates drinking and drunk people. I'm sure she has her own story to tell of his stumble home.) and finished not so lightly with a few good racial jokes. The bartender was black. How he continued to be served after this is beyond me.
Waiting to get home to start into his porno adventures proved, early on, to be a task he was losing patience for. And fast. His smooth moves ranged from the ever popular ass grab followed through with a "I'd like to fill you up", to the "your wife has great tits". And let's not leave out the mention of doing nasty things to the bridal party's mothers, who fortunately were not there to defend themselves. It all started with an innocent piss in the mums; Flowers in pots on the front step of the Hall.
Bridesmaid " Hey THAT guy! Did you just pee in the mums?"
THAT guy " Huh?" (Looking her up and down)
"Ya I'd like to pee in your mom." (pause)
"Right in her (place nasty C word here)!"
(the crowd laughs in disbelief)
That guy moves towards the doors but is distracted by the nice butt of the other bridesmaid standing there.
THAT guy (nodding his head) "Hey. You gotta nice ass. I bet your mom has I nice ass too."
exit THAT guy.
end frame.
As a final touch, he ceremoniously smashed his empty glass on the front step in front of myself, my father and my brother. If we had been Greek it may have been appropriate.
8 comments:
Kath, that is funny shit! I did witness some of the events but unfortunately seems like a missed a few. Better you than me. You've handled it very well.
Carrie
LMAO. That was freakin hilarious!
I did the same thing at Slyde's wedding. Weird huh?
(Just kidding, by the way. I was sober as a judge at his nuptials. I have been known to pee in the corner of a hotel room now and again though.) ;)
carrie- In hindsight it's pretty bad but I was having a great time so it makes up for some of the drama.
liz- Ya, it's a good thing I have a really good sense of humour!
earl- Judge's are sober?
"How he continued to be served after this is beyond me."
The bartender was probably spitting in his drinks.
joe- I certainly would have.
Dumba**. I mean even when I am blind drunk, I don't call men selfish pricks, or shout out the fine asses that are walking by me. And I definitely don't touch them... in public. :cheesygrin: (I am single after all)
this man's brain is clearly on permanent vacation.
melanie- and now I'm related to it. Oh happy day.
Post a Comment