Friday, February 16, 2007

The GTA

"Bayview Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Bayview Village Shopping Centre. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Burlington Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Jane Finch Barbie "
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Oakville Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Oshawa Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Loft Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

"Hamilton Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Cabbagetown Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Scarborough Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Muskoka Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'.

"Church Street Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.

13 comments:

Cornelius T. Fish said...

That's friggin' awesome!!! Scarborough Barbie even has the Chav facelift (super tight ponytail).

I have one more: Queen Street Barbie
$200 worth of piercings
$500 buckle boots
$1000 pure breed pitbull
$2000 worth of tattoos
Accessorized with a squeegee and a change cup.

Steven said...

I would buy cabbagetown barbie in a SECOND! ;)

Steve~

Kat said...

fish- Isn't it hilarious?! Scarborough barbie is so bang on. And I love your Queen Street LOL!

steve- I would have pegged you more for Oshawa barbie ;o)

platts42 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Verdant Earl said...

I don't know where any of those places are.

Damn Canadians!!!

Moxy Ness said...

I have another to add.
The Lawrence Park Barbie:
She is a mix between Bayview and Burlington Barbie. She comes with a bugaboo stroller and a nanny from a far away country. She also has a Cadillac Escalade so she can drive to the local Starbucks. She has ken but her friends call her the Golf widow.


PS...I'll be back to the blogging thing soon.

Kat said...

earl- (just north of you in southern ontarion...the GTA is the Greater Toronto Area)

moxy- Yes! On both counts ;o)

Kat said...

ontario.
I'm pretty sure I know where I live...

Meghan said...

wait- i wear Birks and white socks.

i think it's a west-coast thing. especially Eugene kids.

because until last year, i thought it was normal/fine.

silly me.

---MB

elizabeth said...

LMAO

Anonymous said...

Mad funny! How about a Markham Barbie?
Barbie has Asian Black hair with Asian thick-framed glasses wearing a Paul Frank Tee and conservative outfit. She carries a curry fish ball skewer and drives a Honda.

Anyway, Toronto Barbies ftw!

Anonymous said...

Oh, and you buy the doll of Pacific Mall, and it's fake.

Mike McAllister said...

Too Funny...Love it !! Oshawa Barbie..LMAO!