Birthday Roundup

I am another year older. So what does this mean? I smoked my last cigarette about an hour ago and I could sure go for another right about now. I should probably toss out my lighters and ashtrays but part of me is still holding on. If only this were going to be easier. I know, I know. I'll have to keep telling myself that quitting won't kill me but continuing will, that I am now officially a full fledged adult and I should know better. Stupid conscience.

The hubby and I headed out to the Falls for my birthday festivities. It's really not that far from here and seeing as it is one of the 7 wonders we thought we'd stop taking it for granted and pay a visit. For starters we had dinner at the local franchise of the steak house I work for. Huge disappointment that was. My steak was the worst I've had in 7 years. The Caesar salad was limp and lacking, the garlic mashed potatoes were gluey and my asparagus was unsnapped and overcooked. Blech. Not to mention the server who was so fresh my 3 year old could have done better. But seeing as I should have been getting a 40% staff discount, who's complaining. Well I should have because getting the damn bill discounted turned into a battle of wills between the general manager and myself. Apparently this franchise doesn't staff bills on Fridays and Saturdays. Not standard and unheard of in my 7 years experience. Besides, he didn't know who I was (which is nobody these days since I'm just a lowly server and no longer a manager but that is besides the fucking point...in fact it is the point) and he approached the table like a lineman. No, "hey, how are ya? What brings you to town? What store are you from? Really? That's awesome, let's see what I can do for you." No. None of that. That would have been the nice thing to do. Hell. I might even call it standard practice. In the end of it all I got what was rightfully mine to begin with. So what the fuck?

We spent the rest of the evening at the casinos. Invested about $200 and after many drinks, bells and whistles we left with $120. Ya. High rollers. But we had fun. I think we passed out about 4 am in a box of pizza. And the hubby still isn't sure whether or not he answered the door naked.

Finally, I'll leave you with this. We thought it was funny.

cabbie- "So where are you guys from?"

us- " Just in for the night from Hamilton."

cabbie- "Ya. There seems to be a lot of Canadians in town this weekend."

Astounding really.

I Confess

• I still think there is something under my bed. The running leap from the light switch to the bed ensures that IT will not get my feet. And I never ever let my feet outside the covers. Except when I'm drunk and hot. Then I don't give a shit.
• Every time I fly on a plane I stare out the window obsessively, waiting to see the monster from TZ on the wing.
• I have severe food handling issues. In fact, every time an infraction occurs, I feel as though I could reach out and hurt someone. When grocery shopping, I can't stand raw meat in the vegetable bag or bread in the cans bag. jeez people. It isn't fucking rocket science. And in that case, if you think you have the stomach flu it's more likely to be food poisoning.
• I love smoking. I've planned a quit date, for my coming birthday this Sunday, because I know it's terrible for me. But damn. Damn. It's gonna suck.
• I hate open cupboards, socks that don't match and dogs that bark incessantly. All very irritating.

The Tales of THAT Guy

Well, it's morning and my feet are cold. Had a crazy dream about making a cottage cheese dish with crumbled blue cheese, too much dill and a garnish cut from parsley that looked like a peacock's fan. Apparently this was a cooking revelation. And something else about a peanut sort of brittle, full of bugs that somehow got cooked in and I didn't know it till I'd eaten nearly the entire thing. I've conveniently forgotten the rest. Not so easy to forget would be THAT guy. Every wedding has one. In my case, HE would be my new brother in law. I use new loosely because I've known the guy for 9 years now. But I have never seen him so drunk. His current lady hates drinking so he rarely does it, except at weddings when he drinks way too much and makes a complete ass out of himself. I should have seen it coming, what with the 4 drinks in front of him at dinner. His first offence was the brief ribbing of his brother about pot growing/smoking and something about fire, a trailer and burning to the ground. At least he kept it short.

Offence number 2 would have to be his befriending of the bartender. I'm sure the poor guy has seen worse and I'd be interested to hear that story considering what I'm about to tell you. His wooing began with early -70's -type pornographic details of what he was going to do with or to his unsuspecting girlfriend (you know the one who hates drinking and drunk people. I'm sure she has her own story to tell of his stumble home.) and finished not so lightly with a few good racial jokes. The bartender was black. How he continued to be served after this is beyond me.

Waiting to get home to start into his porno adventures proved, early on, to be a task he was losing patience for. And fast. His smooth moves ranged from the ever popular ass grab followed through with a "I'd like to fill you up", to the "your wife has great tits". And let's not leave out the mention of doing nasty things to the bridal party's mothers, who fortunately were not there to defend themselves. It all started with an innocent piss in the mums; Flowers in pots on the front step of the Hall.

Bridesmaid " Hey THAT guy! Did you just pee in the mums?"

THAT guy " Huh?" (Looking her up and down)
"Ya I'd like to pee in your mom." (pause)
"Right in her (place nasty C word here)!"

(the crowd laughs in disbelief)

That guy moves towards the doors but is distracted by the nice butt of the other bridesmaid standing there.

THAT guy (nodding his head) "Hey. You gotta nice ass. I bet your mom has I nice ass too."

exit THAT guy.

end frame.



As a final touch, he ceremoniously smashed his empty glass on the front step in front of myself, my father and my brother. If we had been Greek it may have been appropriate.

We're Drunk!!!!

Yippee! It's Dunday night and we're a little bit...no a lot, in to the vino bambinos. Just thought I'd share. Ta.

It Was My Stagette Last Night

I think I'm still drumk.

Do This Cause It's Fun Dammit

Stole this from facebook. I know. I'm a traitor. Shut up and listen.
Google this "(insert your name here) likes to" and see what comes up. I did and these are the results...

• Kathleen likes to burp and thinks it’s okay. Natasha thinks it’s disgusting and not like a lady. (Fuck you Natasha!)
• Kathleen likes to hear the fun music while we exercise. I see how she claps her hands and kicks her legs up and down to the music
• “Kathleen likes to cook, so she’s always dropping off a plate of something to someone,” (That is sooo not like me.)
• Kathleen likes to hear fish bubbles as she falls asleep
  
• Kathleen likes to speak in sexually explicit political analogies. (it's as if they're really talking about me)
  
• Kathleen likes to get drunk and piss the bed. ( I think that should have said Earl)
• Kathleen likes to {shake it insanely} (like a polaroid picture!)