Happy Valentine's!

Hey all my sexy friends. Some Dos and Don'ts for your special day.

Do:

1. Go decorate a cake for someone you love.
2. Find a little game to play.
3. If you're German try asking a Canadian for a little help.
   

Don't:

1. Be jealous.
2. Throw things. Unless of course you're into that.
3. Lose the key. Again, ask for help.

Now for some dirty talk. Click the pic.

A Different Language

I love people. With the way I complain about guests you might think the opposite. But really, most folks are quite entertaining. And fodder for my brainstorming tank. Tonight I had numerous samples to take note of.

Sample #1

If someone asked you for a twist of lime what would you bring? I brought a twist. This was met with a nasty-roll-of-the-eye and the following lines of conversation:

uninformed diner- "um, excuse me miss. But is there actually lime in this drink?"

me- "yes."

uniformed diner- "well ok. But I actually need like some lime. Like a few wedges. What is this?"

me- "That's a twist. I'm so sorry, I thought you asked for a twist."

uniformed diner- "Well yes, but (insert sarcastic laugh here) I actually need some lime in my drink. Whenever you get a second would be fine."

me- (wtf? do you know what a fucking twist is????)


sample #2

This guy takes the cake. He was actually referring to his wife in the 3rd person as he was speaking to her.

fucked up grammar guy- "Would she like mashed potatoes with her chicken?"

FUGG's wife- "I'm not sure. I think she might like fries."

me- (wtf?...who are you people talking about????)


sample #3

This is a mild example but happens frequently. It's the old 'you asked us a question and we said no, but we're going to ask you for it as though you never asked in the first place.'

me- (clearing dinner plates)"Would anyone like me to bring a coffee or some dessert menus?"

Cattle- "mooooooo." (no)

me- (brings the bill)

moments later...

Cattle- "moooo. mooo mooo mooooooooo. mooo moo." (um excuse me. But we'd like a couple of coffees and a dessert menu here.)

me- (wtf??...silly me I meant, moo mooo mooo moo moooooo?)

Birthday Countdown

3 yr old- "Mommy. What are you doing?'

ME- "Taking my vitamins."

3 yr old- "Taking your vitamins? Why are you doing that?"

ME- "Well, when people get older they need to take vitamins to stay healthy."

3 yr old- "No! No mommy. You can't get older. Don't say that!"

ME- (stroking her hair) "It's ok honey. Everybody gets older."

3 yr old- (with a tear in her eye) "Don't say that mommy. I don't want you to get older. It makes me a little upset if you say that."


2 more days to bittersweetness....

Things I learned on my Honeymoon

• There was lots of sugar but no honey
• We did in fact see a moon. And it was pretty frickin' cool too
• Pacifica is beautiful
• The giant, disgusting things washed up on the beach reconfirmed my fear of the ocean
• My love for red wine is more like a sick obsession.
• My love for cheese is just as bad
• People in Cali are either really nice, really weird or use sarcasm as a scape goat for rudeness...I on the other hand have only ever done that once.
• Signs asking people to conserve water don't work.
• Sarcastic signs asking people to conserve water don't work either.
• Alcatraz, even in the light of day in the company of hundreds of people complete with a standard-useless-crap-you'll-never-use-that-says-Alcatraz -on-it-souvenir-shop, is a freaky fuckin' place.
• I may have seen Sammy Hagar's car and I didn't really care but I took a picture anyway cause that's the touristy thing to do.
• Telling someone that they have a nice dog can turn into a very ironic conversation about how the fire we caught a pic of on the hillside behind our hotel was the first fire in that town in over 28 years only to return home days later, turn on the news and discover that a better part of the entire state was now on fire.
• People in Ontario smoke way too much and people in California run too much. 2 very different ways of dealing with fire.
• And last but not least, 9-1-1 does not offer room service.

I'm Sick and Married

"It's over!" (wah)
As forewarned, my big day came and went like a flash. It was both beautiful and surreal. And every time someone reminded me to step back and soak it in, another hour had already passed. Everything was perfect. No bumps, no rips, no spills but there were some token appearances from THAT guy who was unfortunately the hubby's brother. I'll have to dedicate a whole n'other post to his shining moments; Although completely inappropriate they were pretty funny.

I am such a lucky gal. I have so many wonderful friends and family that helped this day go off without worry...or at least they made it look that easy ;o) My flowers were the most stunning things I've ever seen, so lovingly crafted by a childhood friend. Another close friend and fabulous artist from high school shot our pictures (which I can't wait to see and I promise I'll share). And of course there was my loving, devoted and smokin' hawt wedding party (whom lizzy was most certainly a part of! And who also earned a few minor injuries in capturing the bridal bouquet.)Lastly, but never in the least, my brother's wife. She is a super star, helping without hesitation in every moment she was asked and performing a seamless evening as our MC.

There are many tales to tell of doves and ghosts, great feats of strength and wedding pizza. I'll dose you a little at a time so as not to induce yawning, nausea, vomitting, loss in vision and appetite and eventually sex drive, pain in your amygdala and foul smelling ear fluids....which isn't too unlike how I'm feeling right now. Or maybe I'm just coming down.

This Just In...

Craig Kilborn just spoofed this. I am in love. I also love coffee. And after many years of drinking 50 I was somehow forced to like beer. Sorry. It's just always made me feel so bloated and other than a woman scorned there ain't nothin' worse that a woman bloated. Until of course I discovered Coffee Porter. Who is the genius that forged these two godly nectars? Fuck red wine (well not really...but if I had no red wine to drink then...FUCK RED WINE!). And if the world ran dry of scotch, why not drink the beer that is aged in it's casks. Yes. Love after 30 is possible.

Romancing The Mom

Happy Mother's Day!

Love the Blues

Pura Fe. Now. Slyde. This is music.

Weekend Viewing

Great Grandpa and baby.

My cousin's birthday...just 2 weeks before my daughter. My uncle and I are only 12 years apart and had our first children the same year.

My daughter watching her birthday balloons fly through the air.

Three cousins, all born the same year, having a rousing game of Dora dominos.

More 3 year old art. This is Smudge's 2nd portrait on doodle board.

Having a Moment

Well crap. This week went by too fast. Here I've left you since Monday with (an albeit stunning) piece of furniture. Too bad it wasn't a chair. Or a bed. Ahhhh bed. Where I should be. Before heading off, I must tell you that I've had a few epiphanies. One of which is that my cat is a freak and I love her. The other is that I need to learn to be loved. Woah. Sorry. Don't know where that came from. But really. I don't think I'm the only one. Love. Love. Love. That's all we do. But who's on the receiving end? Who's accepting it? Are you really letting it in? I know I'm not. That's gonna change. Now back to regularily scheduled mindless furniture chat.