- now squeel
- kiwi tits
- melanie tits wv
- rash smells like fish
- spit-it-out board game
- how to use spit sauce
- whole shit
- pinhole camera in public washroom
- painful laughter
- why is mommy moaning?
- vagina earrings
- belive it or not i am waking on air i never though it it could feel so free
- facebook alt f5
- oh pinchy you're so tasty
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Search Me
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
What A Bitch
No not me.
Blogger.
It's been a week and my header font was still white and I couldn't change it. Instead I had to change the whole damn thing. Ah well. Not so unlike me I guess. I have this thing with rearranging furniture. So consider it rearranged.
And I'm on the mend from a nasty bout of the vomits. Let's get this straight. I don't puke. There have been moments of alcohol induced up chucking. But that is a given. And other than that my innards are made of 18/10 stainless baby.
So what better time, than when the hubby is away, for me and the childrenz to be sick. There is nothing like barfing while cleaning up barf. Counterproductive really. But thanks to my little green machine we are all cleaned up, as if the *spaghetti had never hit the pile.
*and why is it always spaghetti? Isn't it enough that Parmesan cheese already smells like puke?
Blogger.
It's been a week and my header font was still white and I couldn't change it. Instead I had to change the whole damn thing. Ah well. Not so unlike me I guess. I have this thing with rearranging furniture. So consider it rearranged.
And I'm on the mend from a nasty bout of the vomits. Let's get this straight. I don't puke. There have been moments of alcohol induced up chucking. But that is a given. And other than that my innards are made of 18/10 stainless baby.
So what better time, than when the hubby is away, for me and the childrenz to be sick. There is nothing like barfing while cleaning up barf. Counterproductive really. But thanks to my little green machine we are all cleaned up, as if the *spaghetti had never hit the pile.
*and why is it always spaghetti? Isn't it enough that Parmesan cheese already smells like puke?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A Different Language
I love people. With the way I complain about guests you might think the opposite. But really, most folks are quite entertaining. And fodder for my brainstorming tank. Tonight I had numerous samples to take note of.
Sample #1
If someone asked you for a twist of lime what would you bring? I brought a twist. This was met with a nasty-roll-of-the-eye and the following lines of conversation:
uninformed diner- "um, excuse me miss. But is there actually lime in this drink?"
me- "yes."
uniformed diner- "well ok. But I actually need like some lime. Like a few wedges. What is this?"
me- "That's a twist. I'm so sorry, I thought you asked for a twist."
uniformed diner- "Well yes, but (insert sarcastic laugh here) I actually need some lime in my drink. Whenever you get a second would be fine."
me- (wtf? do you know what a fucking twist is????)
sample #2
This guy takes the cake. He was actually referring to his wife in the 3rd person as he was speaking to her.
fucked up grammar guy- "Would she like mashed potatoes with her chicken?"
FUGG's wife- "I'm not sure. I think she might like fries."
me- (wtf?...who are you people talking about????)
sample #3
This is a mild example but happens frequently. It's the old 'you asked us a question and we said no, but we're going to ask you for it as though you never asked in the first place.'
me- (clearing dinner plates)"Would anyone like me to bring a coffee or some dessert menus?"
Cattle- "mooooooo." (no)
me- (brings the bill)
moments later...
Cattle- "moooo. mooo mooo mooooooooo. mooo moo." (um excuse me. But we'd like a couple of coffees and a dessert menu here.)
me- (wtf??...silly me I meant, moo mooo mooo moo moooooo?)
Sample #1
If someone asked you for a twist of lime what would you bring? I brought a twist. This was met with a nasty-roll-of-the-eye and the following lines of conversation:
uninformed diner- "um, excuse me miss. But is there actually lime in this drink?"
me- "yes."
uniformed diner- "well ok. But I actually need like some lime. Like a few wedges. What is this?"
me- "That's a twist. I'm so sorry, I thought you asked for a twist."
uniformed diner- "Well yes, but (insert sarcastic laugh here) I actually need some lime in my drink. Whenever you get a second would be fine."
me- (wtf? do you know what a fucking twist is????)
sample #2
This guy takes the cake. He was actually referring to his wife in the 3rd person as he was speaking to her.
fucked up grammar guy- "Would she like mashed potatoes with her chicken?"
FUGG's wife- "I'm not sure. I think she might like fries."
me- (wtf?...who are you people talking about????)
sample #3
This is a mild example but happens frequently. It's the old 'you asked us a question and we said no, but we're going to ask you for it as though you never asked in the first place.'
me- (clearing dinner plates)"Would anyone like me to bring a coffee or some dessert menus?"
Cattle- "mooooooo." (no)
me- (brings the bill)
moments later...
Cattle- "moooo. mooo mooo mooooooooo. mooo moo." (um excuse me. But we'd like a couple of coffees and a dessert menu here.)
me- (wtf??...silly me I meant, moo mooo mooo moo moooooo?)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
My Facebook Response: re crushes
OMG!! Wanna know who spies on you 24 hours a day? Who peeks in your bathroom window? Who sniffs your garbage? Who is that freak anyhow? Holy shit. All you have to do is hit Ctrl alt F5 Backspace Enter and then forward it to everyone whose middle name ends in the letter e and who has been to Florida at least twice. And if you buy 200 shaved hamsters for the low price of $5 you can have 10 more if you invite 567 of your friends to shave some hamsters too. It's unreal. Try it. I Fucking double dare you. Stamped it. No erasies...unless you add the Dick Cheney App too then it'll only cost you 3 bucks.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Paranormal or Cat?
I like to watch shows about ghosts. I'm not totally convinced of ghosts per se but I am sure of there being a whole lot to be filed under Unexplained. And that I like. It's freaky good. Which probably explains my affinity for the horror flick. The hubby on the other hand claims he hates this stuff. He's tried to tell me it's because he doesn't believe in it, but last night I discovered it's actually because he DOES.
He told me that when he was a teenager he was at a girlfriend's place with a few friends, watching a movie. He had been lying on the floor near the t.v. and when he tried to get up he felt a hand on his back pushing him down again. He completely flipped out and all of his friends were laughing and asking what the hell he was freaking out for. He told them and his girlfriend admitted that her grandmother had passed away in the house. So I asked him if he had been intimate with her in the house and he said yes. I laughed and told him it was probably her granny's way of saying, "take your sweaty mitts off my granddaughter."
So after all this ghost talk we head to bed. I (like Liz) take a leap into bed so as to avoid anything that might be lingering underneath. Now, I mentioned earlier that I like watching ghost shows. One of them is Paranormal State; a show about kids from Penn State that are investigating claims of paranormal activity. Apparently there is a time between 3 and 4 AM called dead time, when paranormal activity is most active. Sure. I don't ask questions. So last night I'm awoken suddenly (by what I'm not totally sure) and the light is on. And my cat is there on the night stand. As I turn to shoo her away she knocks the light to the floor and slinks around the corner. I am confused. WHY IS THE LIGHT ON? It's a pull switch. Did the cat pull the switch? How can a cat pull a switch? Then I look at the clock. 3:06. Yikes! Dead time! WTF. Now I'm scared. I manage to drift back to sleep only to be awoken again exactly 30 minutes later: 3:36. And by what I don't know. Just awake. So I pull the blankets up over my head and curl into the hubby, cause everyone knows that ghosts can't get you when you're snuggled under blankets.
A side note: When Grace was a newborn I had her in bed to feed her. I had removed all her clothes because newborns tend to fall asleep when they're eating, so keeping them cool helps keep them awake...yaddayaddayadda...when she finished I went to redress her and her little hat was gone. Vanished. And we've never seen it since. We've also lost several soothers. They go into bed with baby, but they don't come out. And there have been numerous occasions when certain baby toys go off all by themselves. Now I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'...
*update: since posting this, my blog header font is white and I can't change it...weeeeirrrd
He told me that when he was a teenager he was at a girlfriend's place with a few friends, watching a movie. He had been lying on the floor near the t.v. and when he tried to get up he felt a hand on his back pushing him down again. He completely flipped out and all of his friends were laughing and asking what the hell he was freaking out for. He told them and his girlfriend admitted that her grandmother had passed away in the house. So I asked him if he had been intimate with her in the house and he said yes. I laughed and told him it was probably her granny's way of saying, "take your sweaty mitts off my granddaughter."
So after all this ghost talk we head to bed. I (like Liz) take a leap into bed so as to avoid anything that might be lingering underneath. Now, I mentioned earlier that I like watching ghost shows. One of them is Paranormal State; a show about kids from Penn State that are investigating claims of paranormal activity. Apparently there is a time between 3 and 4 AM called dead time, when paranormal activity is most active. Sure. I don't ask questions. So last night I'm awoken suddenly (by what I'm not totally sure) and the light is on. And my cat is there on the night stand. As I turn to shoo her away she knocks the light to the floor and slinks around the corner. I am confused. WHY IS THE LIGHT ON? It's a pull switch. Did the cat pull the switch? How can a cat pull a switch? Then I look at the clock. 3:06. Yikes! Dead time! WTF. Now I'm scared. I manage to drift back to sleep only to be awoken again exactly 30 minutes later: 3:36. And by what I don't know. Just awake. So I pull the blankets up over my head and curl into the hubby, cause everyone knows that ghosts can't get you when you're snuggled under blankets.
A side note: When Grace was a newborn I had her in bed to feed her. I had removed all her clothes because newborns tend to fall asleep when they're eating, so keeping them cool helps keep them awake...yaddayaddayadda...when she finished I went to redress her and her little hat was gone. Vanished. And we've never seen it since. We've also lost several soothers. They go into bed with baby, but they don't come out. And there have been numerous occasions when certain baby toys go off all by themselves. Now I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'...
*update: since posting this, my blog header font is white and I can't change it...weeeeirrrd
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