Spit It Out

Focus

2008-03-19T08:57:00.003-05:00

Sooooo, I'm thinking of shutting this blog down. I'd like to spend more time over on the food blog. It's the direction I want to be going and I use it for submissions...hence the delinkage of this blog from my profile. And since doing that I've noticed the traffic here has been winding to a painful what-is-the-point.

No worries. I'll still be around...just over in food land;o)

Conversations With a 4 Year Old

2008-03-18T10:18:00.004-05:00

Watching What Not to Wear:

4 yr old- "Mommy. Someone needs to tell that man to calm down."

Me- "Why?"

4 yr old- "Cause he's a little bit too excited about that woman's clothes."

Me- " Ya?"

4 yr old- "Ya. And I don't even know why. That one with the jacket is just boring."

Kiss Me! I'm Irish...scots and english...

2008-03-17T09:27:00.003-05:00

This is how we do it...Dublin style

Fun! Fun! Fun! (if you're drunk)

Annoying (even if you're drunk)

Sweet memories. This year I'll be on the couch all by my lonesome. Hubby leaves today. Boo. Hiss.

Maybe while he's gone I can perfect some skills. Sexy like.

2008-03-16T11:04:00.002-05:00

Hungry?

I must admit

2008-03-13T22:20:00.011-05:00

brits are the fucking funniest. Seriously. This is the best shit I've seen in a while. Bloody brilliant. On oh so many levels.
I feel like a kid in school and every day that my husband is home is a Sunday night. -he leaves again on Monday :o(
I am quite proud of myself. I went bathing suit shopping the other day and didn't want to shoot myself after it was over. I actually bought one. And I LIKE it.
I got a hair cut. And I feel as though I look like her. Someone told me that once a long time ago. And I never saw it till now.
I want something to land on my scanner.
I like riddles.
nighty night.

2008-03-11T10:21:00.002-05:00

But of course!

Red Faced

2008-03-06T08:37:00.007-05:00

I am tired. The hubby isn't going to be home till friday. That'll be 7 weeks that he has been gone. We had anticipated him being home either yesterday or today and I'd done my work schedule accordingly. So now I have to work tonight and tomorrow and am in the midst of arranging for sitters. So far the only option I have for this evening is to be picking up the kids really late. Not a big fan of that. But what's a sorta single mother to do.

Then I went to the gym last night and discovered that they lied to me. Ya I know. Big stretch for a fitness facility. When I first joined I hadn't anticipated needing the day care because Hubby was working here still. So the chick signed me up and told me not to worry about paying the day care fee, that I should just drop the girls a toonie every time I might need to use it. Since then things have changed and with the hubby gone I have to use the day care a lot. So last night I handed the girls two bucks, as usual, and one of them said, "What's this?"

"It's two bucks."

She looked confused and said, "Um, the day care is 3 dollars per hour, per child."

Instantly I could feel my face getting a few degrees hotter. "Why would the chick tell me to drop you a toonie if it's actually 12 bucks a visit? That's 50 bucks a week! And why didn't anyone tell me this until now?"

"Maybe they didn't want to embarrass you ."

Embarrass me? No. Not telling me and being misinformed in the first place is the embarrassment. Letting me pay my shitty little 2 dollars like a cheap bitch who's trying to get away with something is the fucking embarrassment. Face. Getting. Hotter.

So we went to the front desk to page the chick. Of course she is 'busy' and will call me later. I still haven't heard from her. She's lucky. My face has almost returned to it's regular temperature.

Busted

2008-03-03T10:40:00.006-05:00

You can throw this rule out the window...or just leave it where it fell.
Your mother is a liar.
Go ahead and swallow your gum.
It's probably not the flu.
Disney is dirty. But we already knew that.
It's gross but it's real.
How much do you know?(I'm an expert) Boys, I'll congratulate you now....or is that premature?

Seeing The Light

2008-03-03T08:37:00.006-05:00

You were an astounding talent, full of more energy and raw rhythm than I've ever seen. You will be sadly missed and you left us too young. May your heart live on.

Easy

2008-02-29T11:37:00.002-05:00

..as pie. No pie to see here. No really. It's not pie.

On the Up Side

2008-02-27T09:08:00.002-05:00

Slept like shit last night. I think I woke up about 10 times before 3 AM. Finally getting some dream action and I'm awake again at 5:35 because somebody is plowing out the landlords lot next door. Hello? Fuckers. Pseudo single mom over here in need of a little thing called ssllleeeep. He was out there for a half hour! In my angrier days I would have gone out there and made a scene. I've mellowed slightly. Never wake a sleeping Kat.

On the up side, the gym must be revealing it's good effects. I've been carded the last 2 trips to the beer store. Sweet.

Hurry! Hurry Hard!

2008-02-22T11:28:00.006-05:00

A quick game. Google, (your name) needs. This is what I got:

Kat needs money to feed her heinous addiction to Gummy Worms.(I'm so ashamed)
Kat needs to be Kat and be in a bad mood rather than happy suzy home maker.(Yes dammit!)
Kat needs to purr.(most certainly)
Kat needs to hire a professional stylist.(most certainly...not!)
Kat needs no introduction!
Kat needs a bath and it just happens we're not busy today.(What a coincidence)
Kat needs to mature a little more before she comments on serious topics like politics.(ya. whatever.)
Kat needs to make sure she doesn’t “fall off the wagon” and become one of the party tramps.(too. late.)

And for a quick laugh.
Oh and please don't leave hungry. Have a quick bite. If that didn't satisfy you, how 'bout a quickie.

Tell Me What To Do

2008-02-21T09:39:00.006-05:00

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique.

No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing.

You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored.

As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful.

You do best when you:

- Can work by yourself

- Can express your personality in your work

You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

I should be finishing my writing. So uninspired. So busy. So many excuses. I have this great desire to be in a different place. But I'm having difficulties deciding which route to take. Do I finish university and piano and become a teacher? Or do I continue my writing courses, go to cooking school and become a food writer? One is certainly safer and more secure. The other seems more challenging to me and has a few more possibilities. Both are creative and satisfying. But when there are children in the mix, I'm not just thinking of me anymore and I can't say which I'd rather. I have time. I can't make any major moves just yet. As much as serving tables is starting to wear a little thin it pays the bills and allows me to avoid the costs of day care. I've been trying to decide for an eternity now. Or at least I'm sure my family and friends are growing tired of my indecisiveness. I am too really. I feel like a freudian fear of failure. And a really sad attempt at alliteration.

So let's play pretend. You tell me where I fit and I'll go do it.

Don't Eat The Snow

2008-02-18T09:17:00.004-05:00

Bunnies are cute. Except when they shit all over your back yard.

Seriously. I went outside this morning and noticed the back yard is littered with brown marbles. Are those some kind of nut? Maybe a seed? No. Hang on. It's poo. Everywhere. Our yard is smallish and fenced in. Maybe they are pet bunnies that are lost and confusing our yard for a giant bunny pen? Maybe it is one big ass bunny with explosive diarrhea. Cause I was in the yard last night and there was no poo. Not even a plop. Now it's a litter box. Guess we won't be playing in the snow any time soon.

Missing

2008-02-15T12:34:00.008-05:00

Woke up this morning and opened my mail. I should have taken a Valium first. Shit. So here the hubby is, all the way out west, trying to make us more money but the bills keep getting bigger. We're no further ahead then we were before he started. And that's just to pay the bills. Never mind the debt this work was supposed to be putting a dent in. And never mind the fact that he's so far away and I'm missing him badly.

But I think it's harder for him. He's the one who's not at home. He's the one who's missing his wife and his kids. His youngest is talking at 13 months old and he's missing it: Puppy, Hi, pretty, cracker, apple, E-I-E-I-O, toe-toe, banana and bubble are just a few. And his eldest is old enough to miss him too. I know he's doing a good thing, providing for his family but it breaks my heart to see tears streaming down my 3 year old's face because her daddy isn't here. It makes me think of how hard it is for soldiers and their families to be separated for great lengths of time and space and with the threat of death looming all the while.

On a smaller yet equally shitty note, I am completely LOST. I had missed the second episode because of sheer exhaustion. So on thursday I passed up the 9 o'clock viewing of the third episode to watch two and three back to back on a time shifting channel. There I was with a bowl of freshly popped corn on my lap, chilled beer in one hand and the remote in the other.
Ready.
Aim.
Dead air.
Dead fucking air. Not even a spec of snow. Just black. What the mother?
So I called the cable company and some annoyed chick answers, "Cable company answering service, what is your message?"

"Ya. Um. Channel 380 isn't working. It's the only channel on the whole system not working. Do you know why?"

"Um, I'm an ANSWERING SERVICE. I have no idea why. I really can't help you. Do you have a message?"

"(ya. go fuck yourself.) Well it doesn't really do me any good to leave a message for someone later about a show I can't watch now."

I checked back every minute for an hour and a half. Nothing. But of course when I woke up in the morning it worked just fine. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Happy Valentine's!

2008-02-14T09:01:00.009-05:00

Hey all my sexy friends. Some Dos and Don'ts for your special day.

Do:

Go decorate a cake for someone you love.
Find a little game to play.
If you're German try asking a Canadian for a little help.

Don't:

Be jealous.
Throw things. Unless of course you're into that.
Lose the key. Again, ask for help.

Now for some dirty talk. Click the pic.

Tagged Again!

2008-02-13T09:57:00.005-05:00

This time by my best buddy liz. Not the most specific sort of meme. 6 random things. That's very, well...random.

I sleep on the left side of the bed. Liz discovered this the other night. (go ahead now...)
I am very flexible. I can fold myself in half and put my legs behind my head, but not necessarily in that order. (where is this going?)
I severed the tendon of my right pinky back in the day. We used to put candles in old wine bottles for ambiance. Guess we should have tossed em more often cause the one that slashed me snapped rather easily. My finger nearly fell off.
I play piano. Luckily for me the permanent bend in my injured digit is actually desirable.
I tend to eat in order. Veggies first, then the meat, then the starch. It does vary depending on what I'm eating or my mood. Sometimes I get a little crazy and switch it up. But I rarely mix. Unless of course it's stew, or soup. Kinda already together. Yet oddly enough, mixed foods like pasta are my favourite. It's ok. I'm confused too.
I won a belching contest in grade 8. One guy in the class was soooo jealous that I signed over my certificate. I don't need a stinkin' slip of paper. We both know who won.

No tags here. Move along. Nothing to see here.

7 Positive Things

2008-02-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

Tagged by my fierce friend Badger. I found his answers strong and inspiring. Here's my take:

My philosophy. I live with no regrets. Nothing is a mistake. I make choices based on what I know best in that moment. What more can I ask of myself?
My family. I ALWAYS wanted a family and now I have a beautiful one. I made some self- sacrifices to have them and I would do it again any day.
My friends. I served some ladies a week ago, all over 50, who were in celebrating being friends since childhood. I almost cried. At work! I almost cried because I will have that. All of my closest friendships are 16 years or more and counting. I often picture us all gray and perched on a patio somewhere hot, sipping too many drinks, chirping loudly. We're all quite chirpy. I love it.
My quest for fit! Since having my youngest I have lost 40 pounds...and counting. Got about 20 to go to get back to pre-babies-me.
My grandparents. I am lucky enough to still have them all. Hubby still has 3 of his too. So our kids have 7 great grandparents. That's tremendously cool.
My brain. Thanks to the parents I think I've got a pretty good head. Strange things swirl about in there sometimes. But it's'all good. Right? just nod and smile
My home. We don't own our house yet. Getting there. But for now I am happy where I am. Because it's exactly where I need to be to get to the next step. That and it's cozy and warm and full of (excellent)food and (squishy)love. Some people don't have any of those things.

liz
melanie
earl
slyde
Consider yourselves tagged.

Wind At My Backside

2008-02-07T12:02:00.001-05:00

After much work up I have finally started working out. It's been about a month since I joined the gym; the same one I went to as a teen (I have been to others in between).Surprisingly there are still some same faces there. On my first day back I saw a friend from elementary school who's now a personal trainer. He's positively huge. Although not quite as large as in high school. He was on roids then. Good for him for quitting. He got so big so fast that he has stretch marks reaching from his forearm all the way up to his armpit and around to his pecs. And I thought having kids could do damage.

I'm quite enjoying my time. With the hubby gone, I don't get much time to myself. I'm working 4 nights a week but it hardly constitutes alone time. Adult maybe. MAYBE. Alone, no.

No great stories yet, but I have seen that it is possible to run sideways on an incline at full speed without falling off. And some people cannot feel the wind on their butt cracks. Either that or they like it. I know I'd rather not see it.

Like a Wheelbarrow?

2008-02-05T08:18:00.000-05:00

Awkward!
I used to know him so it makes it even harder. *cringe*

Mad Libs

2008-02-01T11:27:00.000-05:00

I could do this all day...

Four hundred years ago people knew little about our
insane universe. They thought that the earth was the
center of the entire sushi and that the sun and all of the
harmonicas revolved around it. But then a/an
Norwegian named Copernicus discovered the truth.
The earth revolves around the pea
6792 times a year.

Copernicus, whose last name was Earl, was born
in Warsaw, and he used one of the first placid
telescopes, which was invented by Kat.
This primitive telescope was little more than two pieces of
Guacamole stuck on each end of a/an toy.
In 1600 an Italian dentist named Galileo
expanded Copernicus's enraged theories, but during the
Inquisition in Italy he was politely arrested. After
sneaking for six months in jail, Galileo was
forced to execute.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the bark
To get her silly sunset a bone.
When she got there, the bed was crazy
And so her indirect dog had none.

Jack and Jill went up the mom
to fetch a/an jug of water.
Jack fell down and broke his gobbledeegoop,
And Jill came tumbling after.

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her bus.
And when she was irrelevant, she was very, very snobby,
And when she was bad, she was ridiculous.

There was a accidental woman
who sank in a shoe.
She had so many geese
She didn't know what to do.

Your turn

Search Me

2008-01-31T12:38:00.000-05:00

now squeel
kiwi tits
melanie tits wv
rash smells like fish
spit-it-out board game
how to use spit sauce
whole shit
pinhole camera in public washroom
painful laughter
why is mommy moaning?
vagina earrings
belive it or not i am waking on air i never though it it could feel so free
facebook alt f5
oh pinchy you're so tasty

What A Bitch

2008-01-30T23:04:00.000-05:00

No not me.

Blogger.

It's been a week and my header font was still white and I couldn't change it. Instead I had to change the whole damn thing. Ah well. Not so unlike me I guess. I have this thing with rearranging furniture. So consider it rearranged.

And I'm on the mend from a nasty bout of the vomits. Let's get this straight. I don't puke. There have been moments of alcohol induced up chucking. But that is a given. And other than that my innards are made of 18/10 stainless baby.

So what better time, than when the hubby is away, for me and the childrenz to be sick. There is nothing like barfing while cleaning up barf. Counterproductive really. But thanks to my little green machine we are all cleaned up, as if the *spaghetti had never hit the pile.

*and why is it always spaghetti? Isn't it enough that Parmesan cheese already smells like puke?

A Different Language

2008-01-27T00:36:00.000-05:00

I love people. With the way I complain about guests you might think the opposite. But really, most folks are quite entertaining. And fodder for my brainstorming tank. Tonight I had numerous samples to take note of.

Sample #1

If someone asked you for a twist of lime what would you bring? I brought a twist. This was met with a nasty-roll-of-the-eye and the following lines of conversation:

uninformed diner- "um, excuse me miss. But is there actually lime in this drink?"

me- "yes."

uniformed diner- "well ok. But I actually need like some lime. Like a few wedges. What is this?"

me- "That's a twist. I'm so sorry, I thought you asked for a twist."

uniformed diner- "Well yes, but (insert sarcastic laugh here) I actually need some lime in my drink. Whenever you get a second would be fine."

me- (wtf? do you know what a fucking twist is????)

sample #2

This guy takes the cake. He was actually referring to his wife in the 3rd person as he was speaking to her.

fucked up grammar guy- "Would she like mashed potatoes with her chicken?"

FUGG's wife- "I'm not sure. I think she might like fries."

me- (wtf?...who are you people talking about????)

sample #3

This is a mild example but happens frequently. It's the old 'you asked us a question and we said no, but we're going to ask you for it as though you never asked in the first place.'

me- (clearing dinner plates)"Would anyone like me to bring a coffee or some dessert menus?"

Cattle- "mooooooo." (no)

me- (brings the bill)

moments later...

Cattle- "moooo. mooo mooo mooooooooo. mooo moo." (um excuse me. But we'd like a couple of coffees and a dessert menu here.)

me- (wtf??...silly me I meant, moo mooo mooo moo moooooo?)

My Facebook Response: re crushes

2008-01-23T00:13:00.000-05:00

OMG!! Wanna know who spies on you 24 hours a day? Who peeks in your bathroom window? Who sniffs your garbage? Who is that freak anyhow? Holy shit. All you have to do is hit Ctrl alt F5 Backspace Enter and then forward it to everyone whose middle name ends in the letter e and who has been to Florida at least twice. And if you buy 200 shaved hamsters for the low price of $5 you can have 10 more if you invite 567 of your friends to shave some hamsters too. It's unreal. Try it. I Fucking double dare you. Stamped it. No erasies...unless you add the Dick Cheney App too then it'll only cost you 3 bucks.

Paranormal or Cat?

2008-01-19T12:14:00.000-05:00

I like to watch shows about ghosts. I'm not totally convinced of ghosts per se but I am sure of there being a whole lot to be filed under Unexplained. And that I like. It's freaky good. Which probably explains my affinity for the horror flick. The hubby on the other hand claims he hates this stuff. He's tried to tell me it's because he doesn't believe in it, but last night I discovered it's actually because he DOES.

He told me that when he was a teenager he was at a girlfriend's place with a few friends, watching a movie. He had been lying on the floor near the t.v. and when he tried to get up he felt a hand on his back pushing him down again. He completely flipped out and all of his friends were laughing and asking what the hell he was freaking out for. He told them and his girlfriend admitted that her grandmother had passed away in the house. So I asked him if he had been intimate with her in the house and he said yes. I laughed and told him it was probably her granny's way of saying, "take your sweaty mitts off my granddaughter."

So after all this ghost talk we head to bed. I (like Liz) take a leap into bed so as to avoid anything that might be lingering underneath. Now, I mentioned earlier that I like watching ghost shows. One of them is Paranormal State; a show about kids from Penn State that are investigating claims of paranormal activity. Apparently there is a time between 3 and 4 AM called dead time, when paranormal activity is most active. Sure. I don't ask questions. So last night I'm awoken suddenly (by what I'm not totally sure) and the light is on. And my cat is there on the night stand. As I turn to shoo her away she knocks the light to the floor and slinks around the corner. I am confused. WHY IS THE LIGHT ON? It's a pull switch. Did the cat pull the switch? How can a cat pull a switch? Then I look at the clock. 3:06. Yikes! Dead time! WTF. Now I'm scared. I manage to drift back to sleep only to be awoken again exactly 30 minutes later: 3:36. And by what I don't know. Just awake. So I pull the blankets up over my head and curl into the hubby, cause everyone knows that ghosts can't get you when you're snuggled under blankets.

A side note: When Grace was a newborn I had her in bed to feed her. I had removed all her clothes because newborns tend to fall asleep when they're eating, so keeping them cool helps keep them awake...yaddayaddayadda...when she finished I went to redress her and her little hat was gone. Vanished. And we've never seen it since. We've also lost several soothers. They go into bed with baby, but they don't come out. And there have been numerous occasions when certain baby toys go off all by themselves. Now I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'...

*update: since posting this, my blog header font is white and I can't change it...weeeeirrrd

The Red Carpet

2008-01-13T14:19:00.000-05:00

Work on Friday wasn't the most exciting of evenings. No one fell down the stairs. No one was unusually rude or ridiculous. But I did receive an interesting prop. One of my first tables was a family of four. Really nice. Just out for a quick meal. When they left I cleared the table and found that they had left a red carpet swatch. Interesting. This could be fun.

Me- "I had a table of lesbians and they were hitting on me all night. And then they left me this piece of carpet as a tip."

Gullible Co- Worker- "Are you serious?"

Me- "Ya! Isn't that crazy?"

Gullible Co-Worker goes and tells the rest of the staff. Me laughs. Carpet licking jokes ensue for duration of evening.

Speaking of red carpets, my brother has discovered our family's claim to fame and where our love of single malts(aka alcoholism) has come from. Apparently we are responsible for introducing Scotch to the rest of the world. You can thank me later.

The Head Bleeds A Lot

2008-01-08T14:40:00.000-05:00

Usually when I talk about work it's to complain. Of course. Conflict is the basis to any story; so is drama. Especially when there is blood involved.

I walked into work on Friday with barely enough time to fix my tie and I was already being sat. I wondered if folks hadn't gained enough weight over the holidays because it was just as busy as any weekend over the last month. No worries though, it's all good for the pocket book. Or as my dad used to say "all the more for me." (And he was talking about food so it's doubly fitting.)

All my tables sat within seconds of one another so I was basically slammed. In. The. Weeds. And what better way to get out than by complete distraction. Like say, a man falling down the 14 stairs that lead to the washroom. It's a loud sound. Quite distinct. Not as much a sack of potatoes as maybe a pillow case full of prime rib with a watermelon-hitting-the-pavement finish. I looked to see the man flat out at the bottom of the stairs with a slowly expanding pool of blood around his head. Holy shit.

"Someone call 911!" I screamed, maybe even twice.

I ran (carefully of course) down to help the guy, who was already trying to get up. I urged him not to and put my cloth to his blood soaked head; a cloth that is usually for carrying hot plates. "Gosh, I hope it's not dirty", I thought. But it's not like I'm usually armed with an arsenal of sterile pads so I told myself to stop worrying about it. I moved on...to the idea that he could die in my hands. People die from falls all the time and this guy was bleeding A LOT. Ok. So that wasn't the case here. Thank God.

In the mean time two other staff had joined me along with the manager. Suddenly I remembered that I had tables and that I had been in the weeds. So where was I now? With blood on my hands. Someone else's blood on my hands. Shit. There was a lot of blood everywhere. And I had been lucky enough not to get any on my clothes. The other staff relieved me of my head-holding duties and I went to wash my hands and arms. 4 times.

And I went back to the weeds.

The rest of the night went off without a hitch. I guess I work well under stress. I was quite impressed with myself. But I just can't get that image of the pooling blood and the weight of his head out of my mind. I hope he's ok.

"A couple is 2"

2008-01-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

Finally. No more holidays. There are officially no more cookies (of the nineteen dozen I exchanged at work...), turkeys, candies, gravy or 5 varieties of cheese and crackers lingering in my kitchen. No more giant dinners for breakfast, brim with champagne and croissants, tongue and Branston or bagels and lox. The only thing left is the tedious task of putting away the decorations. I think I may even be done with the copious amounts of wine and other spirits...for a little while anyhow.

Last night, for the first time in over 4 years, I actually slept for 12 hours. And although I am not inclined to make resolutions I am entertaining the promise to let myself get more rest. The fine balance I maintain between mothering, working and having fun has been stretching thinner over these last few months. So far, I have not discovered a bean of caffeine that will sufficiently replace my lost hours. And since purchasing my ultra -comfy, new linens I'm considering moving the entire house into the bedroom and setting up shop around my bed.

I've also decided that I need to find the kids daycare for a couple of days a week. And as my daughter always reminds me, a couple is 2. The hubby is taking off again some time in the new year to work on another hotel. But this time he has to stay from start to finish, which means an easy month in Alberta. If I am to keep my sanity, I cannot have work as my only time alone. So with my 2 days I plan to write. I've not been able to do it much in the last year. All of that time and all of those ignored thoughts equals my right hemisphere bulging like a parasitic twin.

If by chance you're hungry I'll be posting last night's dinner later today: Pear and Potato Soup with a couple of years old cheddar.

Stuff

2007-12-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

Had the most interesting table the other night. The Christmas season is perfect for bringing out all the virgin diners. These 3 chicks took the cake. First of all only one of them would even look at me. (Apparently I am a troll...no offence Joe). And luckily for the 2 mutes she was also nice enough to speak on behalf of the table...else they might have had a problem actually eating because unfortunately I do not read minds. After their whopping $50 bill of fajitas and salad they all wanted separate checks. One of the mutes gave me a credit card that declined her $17 portion. So mute number 2 payed her tab and left no tip. The one who spoke gave cash and left me about .70 cents. Yay. I cleared the table which included an apparently untouched bread basket. Wrong. I opened the linen to toss the bread and discovered that they had stuffed chewed food into the cuts in the bread. THANKS. People are so disgusting.

In other news, the hubby is still far away and I am missing him greatly. Being a single mom is tough shit. So I now give great props to all of you (like mel and liz) who go at it every day like the machines that you are. As a side note I must say that it is in fact easier to keep my house clean without the extra body around...but I still miss his mess...sort of ;o)

And lastly, due to recent copious amounts of snowfall, Smudge used the litter box for the first time in over a year.

That's It. We're All Becoming Tapers.

2007-12-12T14:21:00.000-05:00

Allo allo allo. Sorry I've not been around. It's been a hectic week. The hubby is off earning a living on the other side of the country or taping up a small fortune. Here's a hint. If you're looking for a career change become a tradesman and move to Northern Alberta or Alaska. You could pay off your house in a little over a year. It's almost too good to be true, except that it really is that good. Needless to say I've been on my own with the childrenz. Thank 8lb 6oz baby jesus for good friends like Lizzy who are helping out with the babysitting while I go off to earn my own pittance. I wouldn't bother except that money's money, sanity is an absolute necessity and serving tables makes for great stories. I'll be back later with one. Right now? Baby crying...

House Hunting

2007-12-06T11:11:00.000-05:00

Last night the man and I went to look at a couple of houses. We've never owned, for various reasons, but now we're getting ready to buy. And I think it's going to take us longer than we thought to find what we want. In fact I am shocked by how some people live. I'm all for slapping some paint on the wall or ripping up the odd carpet, but there are some homes out there that should be demoed. The first house we saw was nice. Ready to move in with all the appliances but maybe a little small. Number 2 was pretty average, a little older and in need of some minor tlc. Really it did nothing for me. But the last house was a freak show. From the outside it was a dream; 2 stories standing on a large corner lot with a wrap around porch and hidden garage. As we entered we were smacked with a wall of stale cigarette smoke, as rank as if the owners had puffed 2 packs a day since the house was built 20 years ago. And on top of that a mask of perfumes and sprays that did nothing but contribute to the stench. It was large. It had potential. But dear god it stank. Carpets would need to go. Walls would have to be re-boarded, taped and painted. Even the windows would need replacing as I'm sure they had some permanent nicotine damage. Kitchen and bathrooms all gutted. But who has the time for all this? Never mind. We went to have a look at the bedrooms. The master was a nightmare, again reeking of smoke and perfume. The once white ceiling now yellow and the wall paper fused with years of curly smoke. The wall paper in all of it's fuchsia and black floral glory. A den of masochistic hell complete with a torn leather bed and pad locked chains on the black lacquered bed side tables. Normally I might be curious as to what they contained. But today? Not so much. I was starting to feel sick. So why not head to the basement then and see what treasures awaited us there. All the lights were out and the tv on. Odd. The space was divided into to 3 equal and unfinished rectangles. The first contained the tv and some furniture fit for a fire. Beside the couch stood the most confusing display. 2 dried flowers, hideous and gigantic, propped by a thin and peeling brass stand. I'm almost at my limit for tolerance when we make our way into the far room. It is nearly bare with exception to an old dresser and a single bulb suspended from the centre of the ceiling. I try to make my way through the room and I am stopped in my tracks near the far end of it. Like a wall. As if something were in my way. I had to step back and leave. That's it. I'm freaked out and feeling nauseous. There was certainly something wrong with this place. Of course we decided to leave. We hadn't even been outside the house a minute when our Realtor pointed back toward the kitchen window. A male figure stood there, still and watching. We thought we had been alone. Where had he come from so quickly? Suddenly frightened we couldn't get the kids in the car fast enough. It was like being caught in the shark tank at sea world. "He's got ma legs, he's got ma legs!"

Needless to say we're still looking.

Tis the Season...

2007-12-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

...for that yearly visit. The ladies know what I mean. Nothing is worse. (Except maybe being strip searched at the border or waterboarded. But I'm only guessing cause luckily I've never been subjected to either of those.) Really. Trying to carry on a normal conversation with my doctor while one of us is dressed in a white tissue outfit is more than a little bit awkward. As for on the table? Well. There is no normal conversation to have when in that position. And no conversation at all is even worse still; it's the loudest silence.

So. Why not exemplify this taboo in a good ole freaky flick? Maybe you've heard, maybe you're blissfully unaware. In any case, I am at the same time most pleased and horrified to see that someone has actually gone there.

Speaking of cunts. There is one loose at work. I want to throw steaming mashed potatoes at her.

And finally I need to leave you with a scary bit of trivia. Apparently the song Sweet Caroline by Mr. Diamond was inspired by Caroline Kennedy. Innocent enough...unless you know that the picture which inspired him was of her on horseback at the age of 10! Let me remind you of the lyrics and then you can decide.

Hands, touchin hands
Reachin out
Touchin me
Touchin you

Warm, touchin warm
Reachin out
Touchin me
Touchin me

Meme

2007-11-26T10:23:00.000-05:00

Tagged by Liz. And first of all I must say that I am shocked she's ever been close enough to a carnie to know that they smell like cabbage. Sounds suspicious to me...

The Rules:

Write a list of things of which you are suspicious. Any number of them will do. Even the number 0 works. This is the first meme that can be done without even doing it. In fact, you're doing it right now.
Include the list of rules, if you feel like it.
Link back to the person who tagged you. Or not.
Tag however many people you want to tag. You can skip this step.
If you acted on rule four, leave comments on their websites to let them know that they have been tagged. This step is also completely optional.
Feel fantastic.

What makes me suspicious?? in no particular order:

1. I live in a rental. So I certainly have issues surrounding hidden cameras. Especially after the time my land lord (who knows my mom) made some comment to me about when he first met me I was just a baby and my mom was breast feeding. eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.

2. Any food, that isn't a chip, from my local convenience store. It all has a protective layer of dust.

3. Dollar store pregnancy tests.

4. People who drive bright yellow cars with giant contrasting letters down the side of it. Issues. Or maybe they're just lost.

5. Hot dogs. If I wanted lips and assholes then I'd ask for lips and assholes.

6. My basement. It's home to a few thousand spider carcasses. There is a burnt railway tie being used as a support beam. And judging by the decor, it's a little like Hannibal's home away from home.

Now it's your turn.
Whoever you are.

Cold Turkey

2007-11-19T10:55:00.000-05:00

Quitting smoking sucks. It was so easy when I got pregnant. I just did it. But this time around is different. I have had 5 cigarettes since last Monday when I thought I had smoked my last. Pretty good I suppose. None would be better. So I've considered asking my doctor for some help. But the last time I tried that I nearly had a mental breakdown from taking Zyban. You know that little print out the pharmacist includes with your prescription? Well, this one failed to mention being thrown in to an instant paranoid depression amongst every other side effect known to man. After a few trips to the local Internet cafe, the hubby and I discovered that I was not the only one. Hundreds of people with the same debilitating side effects so conveniently left off the list. And there were others who claimed to have lost feeling and/or use of their limbs. Really. You may well be able to see my apprehension about venturing into the land of drugs again. As a general rule I don't take them, but I really do want to quit and I know I can't manage the cold turkey. That said, it'd be a whole lot easier to wean myself if I could just go purchase ONE smoke at a time. Just like you can buy one beer or one cigar. But not with cigarettes. Nope. You have to buy at least 20 at a time. Bull. Shit. Ah well. The doctor's appointment is tomorrow so we'll see what we can't figure out.

And out of curiosity I wanted to know what the heck cold turkey has to do with quitting smoking. Apparently it was first used to describe doing something without preparation, as in serving up leftovers like cold turkey. It was later applied to those quitting heroine, because as the drug leaves the system the skin begins to resemble that of a refrigerated, holiday fowl.

Lick Your Chops

2007-11-17T21:02:00.000-05:00

...or mine.

2007-11-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

Dinner's ready.

Search Me

2007-11-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

picture of why is mommy moaning
unboring stuff
funny swine stories
fetish pee recipe -dog -cat
pictures of children spitting
why is mommy moaning?
load spitting
he pecked till he made his pecker sore
chuck norris and beans
chuck norris chili recipes
when did carrot top get buff
purple rake
why is mommy moaning
funny crack whore pictures and stories

Birthday Roundup

2007-11-12T12:50:00.000-05:00

I am another year older. So what does this mean? I smoked my last cigarette about an hour ago and I could sure go for another right about now. I should probably toss out my lighters and ashtrays but part of me is still holding on. If only this were going to be easier. I know, I know. I'll have to keep telling myself that quitting won't kill me but continuing will, that I am now officially a full fledged adult and I should know better. Stupid conscience.

The hubby and I headed out to the Falls for my birthday festivities. It's really not that far from here and seeing as it is one of the 7 wonders we thought we'd stop taking it for granted and pay a visit. For starters we had dinner at the local franchise of the steak house I work for. Huge disappointment that was. My steak was the worst I've had in 7 years. The Caesar salad was limp and lacking, the garlic mashed potatoes were gluey and my asparagus was unsnapped and overcooked. Blech. Not to mention the server who was so fresh my 3 year old could have done better. But seeing as I should have been getting a 40% staff discount, who's complaining. Well I should have because getting the damn bill discounted turned into a battle of wills between the general manager and myself. Apparently this franchise doesn't staff bills on Fridays and Saturdays. Not standard and unheard of in my 7 years experience. Besides, he didn't know who I was (which is nobody these days since I'm just a lowly server and no longer a manager but that is besides the fucking point...in fact it is the point) and he approached the table like a lineman. No, "hey, how are ya? What brings you to town? What store are you from? Really? That's awesome, let's see what I can do for you." No. None of that. That would have been the nice thing to do. Hell. I might even call it standard practice. In the end of it all I got what was rightfully mine to begin with. So what the fuck?

We spent the rest of the evening at the casinos. Invested about $200 and after many drinks, bells and whistles we left with $120. Ya. High rollers. But we had fun. I think we passed out about 4 am in a box of pizza. And the hubby still isn't sure whether or not he answered the door naked.

Finally, I'll leave you with this. We thought it was funny.

cabbie- "So where are you guys from?"

us- " Just in for the night from Hamilton."

cabbie- "Ya. There seems to be a lot of Canadians in town this weekend."

Astounding really.

Birthday Countdown

2007-11-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

3 yr old- "Mommy. What are you doing?'

ME- "Taking my vitamins."

3 yr old- "Taking your vitamins? Why are you doing that?"

ME- "Well, when people get older they need to take vitamins to stay healthy."

3 yr old- "No! No mommy. You can't get older. Don't say that!"

ME- (stroking her hair) "It's ok honey. Everybody gets older."

3 yr old- (with a tear in her eye) "Don't say that mommy. I don't want you to get older. It makes me a little upset if you say that."

2 more days to bittersweetness....

I Confess

2007-11-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

I still think there is something under my bed. The running leap from the light switch to the bed ensures that IT will not get my feet. And I never ever let my feet outside the covers. Except when I'm drunk and hot. Then I don't give a shit.
Every time I fly on a plane I stare out the window obsessively, waiting to see the monster from TZ on the wing.
I have severe food handling issues. In fact, every time an infraction occurs, I feel as though I could reach out and hurt someone. When grocery shopping, I can't stand raw meat in the vegetable bag or bread in the cans bag. jeez people. It isn't fucking rocket science. And in that case, if you think you have the stomach flu it's more likely to be food poisoning.
I love smoking. I've planned a quit date, for my coming birthday this Sunday, because I know it's terrible for me. But damn. Damn. It's gonna suck.
I hate open cupboards, socks that don't match and dogs that bark incessantly. All very irritating.

Celebrity Sightings

2007-11-05T22:23:00.000-05:00

Doug Gilmour came into my restaurant tonight.
That is all I got.

Things I learned on my Honeymoon

2007-11-01T23:24:00.000-05:00

There was lots of sugar but no honey
We did in fact see a moon. And it was pretty frickin' cool too
Pacifica is beautiful
The giant, disgusting things washed up on the beach reconfirmed my fear of the ocean
My love for red wine is more like a sick obsession.
My love for cheese is just as bad
People in Cali are either really nice, really weird or use sarcasm as a scape goat for rudeness...I on the other hand have only ever done that once.
Signs asking people to conserve water don't work.
Sarcastic signs asking people to conserve water don't work either.
Alcatraz, even in the light of day in the company of hundreds of people complete with a standard-useless-crap-you'll-never-use-that-says-Alcatraz -on-it-souvenir-shop, is a freaky fuckin' place.
I may have seen Sammy Hagar's car and I didn't really care but I took a picture anyway cause that's the touristy thing to do.
Telling someone that they have a nice dog can turn into a very ironic conversation about how the fire we caught a pic of on the hillside behind our hotel was the first fire in that town in over 28 years only to return home days later, turn on the news and discover that a better part of the entire state was now on fire.
People in Ontario smoke way too much and people in California run too much. 2 very different ways of dealing with fire.
And last but not least, 9-1-1 does not offer room service.

Ain't No Hollaback Girl

2007-11-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Conversations With a 3 Year Old

2007-11-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

3yr old- " Trick or Treat!"

neighbour- " Why hello there. Happy Halloween. Would you like some candy?"

3yr old- "Actually, I could use a trick cause I think I already have enough treats."

Pumpkin Envy

2007-10-30T23:53:00.001-05:00

Before jealousy take-over.

After jealousy take-over.

He couldn't stand my mad carving skills and resorted to illegal use of tinfoil enhancers.

8 Current Obsessions

2007-10-29T10:20:00.000-05:00

Mars Rising
Cottage Cheese
Planet in Peril
Charles Krug Cab Sauv, by Peter Mondavi
Deadliest Catch
My 2003 Subaru Forester
Fall sweaters
Pumpkin carving

Same Old Shit

2007-10-25T08:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked my return to the fabulous world of those who serve tables in restaurants. And it's now been solidified. I'm sick of it. For precisely half of my life and my entire working career I have had my hand in the service industry. I have been masterfully planning my escape and last night put a staple in it. So it's bitter sweet. The sheer loathing of being there is actually wicked motivation to just get the fuck out. What's my plan you ask? Well, being 56% bipolar, I have a ton of interests to combat my sudden bouts of complete boredom. My ultimate goal is to be a food writer/editor for a major food magazine. So I'm going back to finish University with a degree in English. In the mean time, my kids are still really young and to avoid the insane costs of daycare I'm forced to work nights. But I cannot keep on serving tables for the next 5 years. Instead, I'm finishing my grade 10 with the Royal Conservatory for piano so that I can start teaching. It's not imperative that I have the grade 10 to teach, I just think it's important for a teacher to know as much as possible and to always be learning. Somewhere in between I'm also going to culinary school. I was accepted about 6 years ago and ditched that for a job managing the kitchen in a steak house. In my mind food writer should be as versed as possible in both. And who knows, maybe I won't get a job for a mag at all. Maybe I can toss my theatre training in there too and be the next Rachael Ray but far less annoying...and hotter. Much hotter. Especially after I hire Chuck Norris as a personal trainer with all the money I'm making with my bipolar empire. MUAWWW HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!

The Tales of THAT Guy

2007-10-22T07:50:00.001-05:00

Well, it's morning and my feet are cold. Had a crazy dream about making a cottage cheese dish with crumbled blue cheese, too much dill and a garnish cut from parsley that looked like a peacock's fan. Apparently this was a cooking revelation. And something else about a peanut sort of brittle, full of bugs that somehow got cooked in and I didn't know it till I'd eaten nearly the entire thing. I've conveniently forgotten the rest. Not so easy to forget would be THAT guy. Every wedding has one. In my case, HE would be my new brother in law. I use new loosely because I've known the guy for 9 years now. But I have never seen him so drunk. His current lady hates drinking so he rarely does it, except at weddings when he drinks way too much and makes a complete ass out of himself. I should have seen it coming, what with the 4 drinks in front of him at dinner. His first offence was the brief ribbing of his brother about pot growing/smoking and something about fire, a trailer and burning to the ground. At least he kept it short.

Offence number 2 would have to be his befriending of the bartender. I'm sure the poor guy has seen worse and I'd be interested to hear that story considering what I'm about to tell you. His wooing began with early -70's -type pornographic details of what he was going to do with or to his unsuspecting girlfriend (you know the one who hates drinking and drunk people. I'm sure she has her own story to tell of his stumble home.) and finished not so lightly with a few good racial jokes. The bartender was black. How he continued to be served after this is beyond me.

Waiting to get home to start into his porno adventures proved, early on, to be a task he was losing patience for. And fast. His smooth moves ranged from the ever popular ass grab followed through with a "I'd like to fill you up", to the "your wife has great tits". And let's not leave out the mention of doing nasty things to the bridal party's mothers, who fortunately were not there to defend themselves. It all started with an innocent piss in the mums; Flowers in pots on the front step of the Hall.

Bridesmaid " Hey THAT guy! Did you just pee in the mums?"

THAT guy " Huh?" (Looking her up and down)
"Ya I'd like to pee in your mom." (pause)
"Right in her (place nasty C word here)!"

(the crowd laughs in disbelief)

That guy moves towards the doors but is distracted by the nice butt of the other bridesmaid standing there.

THAT guy (nodding his head) "Hey. You gotta nice ass. I bet your mom has I nice ass too."

exit THAT guy.

end frame.

As a final touch, he ceremoniously smashed his empty glass on the front step in front of myself, my father and my brother. If we had been Greek it may have been appropriate.

Search Me

2007-10-18T14:23:00.000-05:00

give me a rash
sniper kitty
naughty neighbours
she nutsack
who invented a wheel turned spit
everything to know on badger
chuck norris brings a goat back to life
sexy chili recipes
vomit in my ear
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kitty chili recipe
things that can give you a rash
tit time
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malt vinegar sick fired
bored a spit
spitting food sexy
rash on tits
seriously, what the fuck
kitty spit
muskoka's naughty
how to fuck a hen

Someone Please Explain

2007-10-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

There is so much to talk about I'm not sure where to begin. Let's start with the car. It's being written off. As a recap, I was rear ended by a UHAUL 2 days before my wedding. The girls were in the back with me and luckily we all came out unscathed. Well, all except the Nissan. It's back end was smashed, twice. And here in lies the argument. I was always under the assumption (and yes I know what the infamous they say about assuming) that rear-enders were a pretty cut and dry scenario. Yet still I am sitting around waiting for my deductible back. At least half of it anyhow. It should be all of it. See, there was a car in front of me that I narrowly missed hitting myself. But I missed them all the same. Until I was rammed by the truck and driven right into them. Twice. Now here's where it gets stupid. The insurance company is trying to say that the chances of being hit twice is rare (I guess they haven't heard of recoil). The twats also claim that if I felt a double impact it's because I hit the car in front first. Bull. Shit. If you saw my written off back end it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the truck who hit me wasn't even near stopping. Being as close as my car was to the one in front, I recoiled back into the still moving UHAUL to be hit for a second time, before we all came to a final rest. So somehow in all of this the fucker in the UHAUL is saying he only hit once and therefore I may have to pay half of my deductible. Are you as confused as I am?

In the mean time I am waiting on approval for a 2003 Subaru Forester.

We're Drunk!!!!

2007-10-07T23:22:00.000-05:00

Yippee! It's Dunday night and we're a little bit...no a lot, in to the vino bambinos. Just thought I'd share. Ta.

Honeymoon

2007-10-03T09:03:00.000-05:00

Leaving for sunny California tomorrow morning. We're off to San Francisco for the next 5 days and we hope to take a trip up to Napa Valley for some tasting of the wine. Yum! See you all next week.

Kat

I'm Sick and Married

2007-09-30T08:01:00.000-05:00

"It's over!" (wah)
As forewarned, my big day came and went like a flash. It was both beautiful and surreal. And every time someone reminded me to step back and soak it in, another hour had already passed. Everything was perfect. No bumps, no rips, no spills but there were some token appearances from THAT guy who was unfortunately the hubby's brother. I'll have to dedicate a whole n'other post to his shining moments; Although completely inappropriate they were pretty funny.

I am such a lucky gal. I have so many wonderful friends and family that helped this day go off without worry...or at least they made it look that easy ;o) My flowers were the most stunning things I've ever seen, so lovingly crafted by a childhood friend. Another close friend and fabulous artist from high school shot our pictures (which I can't wait to see and I promise I'll share). And of course there was my loving, devoted and smokin' hawt wedding party (whom lizzy was most certainly a part of! And who also earned a few minor injuries in capturing the bridal bouquet.)Lastly, but never in the least, my brother's wife. She is a super star, helping without hesitation in every moment she was asked and performing a seamless evening as our MC.

There are many tales to tell of doves and ghosts, great feats of strength and wedding pizza. I'll dose you a little at a time so as not to induce yawning, nausea, vomitting, loss in vision and appetite and eventually sex drive, pain in your amygdala and foul smelling ear fluids....which isn't too unlike how I'm feeling right now. Or maybe I'm just coming down.

What's With All These Car Accidents?!

2007-09-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

It's the eve of the eve of my wedding and of course nothing can go smoothly. I was on my way downtown to drop the payment off for our limo when the cruel hands of fate swooped in and smashed my car, with both kids in the back. Actually, it was a big fat U-HAUL from Arkansas (isn't that where they're all from?). Other than the wrenching pain in my back, we're all fine. The only question left is "Do neck braces match wedding dresses?"

It Was My Stagette Last Night

2007-09-23T09:09:00.001-05:00

I think I'm still drumk.

What is Wrong With People?

2007-09-21T08:19:00.000-05:00

Got my most recent issue of 2 magazine. It was a free gift from one of the stores I have my wedding registry with. Not bad really. It's got some fairly interesting reads on food and sex and it's geared towards couples. But I have to share this because it's way too much like this and I'm having a hard time understanding the whole thing. Are guys really so horny that they need a plush toy or a hundred pound chunk of latex with orfices to take to bed? Which reminds me, I was at the store the other day for a couple of in and out sort of things, but nothing is ever very quick when you've got 2 kids to take with. I was rounding the corner to the checkout and nearly bumped into a woman doing the lane hop. Apparently she was in a rush, but she asked me kindly if I'd like to go ahead. And I respond so kindly, no thank you, reiterating my sentiments on quickness and kids. Well. Isn't this just like the driver who's in such a hurry to pull out that they cut you off when there are no cars behind you, and then they SLOW DOWN. Little miss I'm- in- a- rush decides to apply for one of the store credit cards. Now I'm flogging myself for being so nice (no after you... no I insist, after you.) and wanting to do the same to her for being such a selfish tit. Time passes (probably only a minute but it felt like an hour) and my eyes haven't yet managed to burn a hole in the back of her head, so I hastily do the lane hop myself. The cashier apologizes and I assure her, loudly, that it wasn't her that was the issue. But of course the lane I chose slows down and my original checkout is now empty. fuck

A Gift Pour Vous

2007-09-19T14:44:00.000-05:00

Between all of the things I have to do these days there is often little time for moi. So many lovely things to do and not ever enough time. But as I so regularly point out to my man, it's not a matter of having the time but of making the time. Guess I should eat more of my own cooking. Anyhoo, in honour of these eloquent words of mine, I've decided to offer a gift to those of you who may by any chance want it. Depending on how many requests I get, it could take a while so I'll need your full and undivided patience. Here's the deal. Some of you may remember that I am artistically inclined (look around). However it has been some time since I have MADE the time to do much artwork. My first love is portrait art. So if you have a picture of yourself or family that you would like worked up please email it to me. I use mainly charcoal but could be convinced to try watercolour which I haven't touched since high school. I promise you it won't look anything like this, unless of course that's your thing and then who am I to judge; I am the freak who drew the damned thing in the first place. Pictured above are some examples of my work. I have done more, but I gave them away and never kept a copy for myself (doh!).

Who the Hell Runs This Blog Anyhow?

2007-09-16T21:47:00.000-05:00

Sheesh. If I were me I'd fire my ass. So, I'm sure none of you are interested in too many excuses. In fact, I'm sure some of you have de-linked my sorry butt. And I don't blame you. What can I do to make it up to you?
Go on. This outa practice bitch needs some suggestions to get things rolling again. And what's better than giving what few yet faithful visitors I have left exactly what they want?

Good News!

2007-06-18T08:51:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much everyone for your well wishes. It seems the old guy is a lucky bastard. He is out of ICU and will recover. He fell asleep at the wheel, hit gravel and over corrected sending him straight into the path of an 18 wheeler. He was hit driver's side of his box on wheels (aka a fire fly). They had him intubated for 48 hours because he had some trauma to his lungs, 7 broken ribs and a few fractures in his back. No head trauma and no internal bleeding. Apparently he is made of steel. And although he is in a world of pain at the moment, we are all glad to see him sitting up and breathing on his own. I'll be back soon.

Be well and thank you again,
Kat

Bad News

2007-06-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

So I leave you all only to return with some disheartening news. The other half's old man is in ICU tonight after a bad car accident early this morning. He's stable but not without many injuries including broken ribs and a fractured spine. I'm not much of a church goer, but if you could keep us in your prayers all the same. I'll pop back soon to let you know how things are going.

Thanks,
Kat

There's No Excuse...

2007-06-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

I haven't really been keeping up with my blogging responsibilities now have I? Well. Between 2 kids and my stag and doe this coming Saturday I've been rather preoccupied. Not only have I not been posting but I've not had much time to read your blogs either. Sorry. I'll get back to all of you just as soon as I can...maybe with some pics of the partay! Oh and I should mention that me, little miss organized and never forget a thing, had a massive brain fart tonight when I suddenly realized that I forgot to go to my cake tasting last Saturday. What a tit.

No seriously. What the Fuck?

2007-05-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

It's been so long now since I've shock n' awed all yous with my wtf finds.
Most of what I got today could most certainly cause your lunch to launch itself back out yer gape.
What can I say. You've been warned.

WTF?
HOLY MOTHER OF WTF!
LORDY HEAVENS TO BETSY, WTF?
IN CASE I FORGOT TO MENTION IT, WTF?
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES. WTF? THANKS.

This Just In...

2007-05-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

Craig Kilborn just spoofed this. I am in love. I also love coffee. And after many years of drinking 50 I was somehow forced to like beer. Sorry. It's just always made me feel so bloated and other than a woman scorned there ain't nothin' worse that a woman bloated. Until of course I discovered Coffee Porter. Who is the genius that forged these two godly nectars? Fuck red wine (well not really...but if I had no red wine to drink then...FUCK RED WINE!). And if the world ran dry of scotch, why not drink the beer that is aged in it's casks. Yes. Love after 30 is possible.

Sorry Folks

2007-05-24T21:41:00.000-05:00

I got nothin.

Random Crap

2007-05-18T15:38:00.001-05:00

WTF?

According to the message on the kid's milk "the brain is capable of having more ideas than the number of atoms in the known universe." I had never thought of that.

I discovered the most bizarre dollarstore item EVAR! Pregnancy tests. I don't know that I would weigh that kind of news on a dollar.

Roasted Butternut Salad

2007-05-13T18:48:00.000-05:00

Eat it up

Romancing The Mom

2007-05-13T07:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day!

TAG TEAMIN' IT!

2007-05-10T12:29:00.001-05:00

I am one lucky gal. Tagged by 2 sexy mammas Melanie and Tits

This one's from Mel:
Seven things about me that may surprise you:

1. Oh lets start out with a good one. I can put both my legs behind my head....but not always without tipping over like a turtle stuck on it's back.

2. I love music. I have my grade 8 in conservatory piano. I also learned to play french horn and trumpet in highschool. I also sing and write music...but not so much lately :o(

3. I want to learn to run a marathon. And yes, I am a little crazy.

4. I never regret. I deal with and accept all of my choices.

5. I tend to procrastinate.

6. I have suffered from bouts of insomnia and sleep paralysis all of my life.

7. My favourite vacation is heading up north to cottage country.

And from Tits:

The rules:

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Todd (Louisville, Kentucky, United States)
miss kendra (los angeles, california, u.s.a)
Jiggs Casey (Berkeley, CA, USA! USA! USA!)
Tits McGee (New England, USA)
Kat (Ontario, Canada)

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

(ONTARIO RESTAURANTS)
The Keg Steakhouse and Bar.~ Best steaks next to Hy's (which is owned by the same family anyhow)

Monfort~ Mediterranean Cuisine. Their house specialty, Monfort's chicken in a pita, will bring you to your knees. But I'll admit that location is everything. This local chain has a few stores that are better than the rest.

La Luna~ More medi cuisine. Their baba ganouj is to. die. for.

Papagayos~ Fabulous mexican eatery. I had grilled alligator and a few fabulous anejos that are otherwise impossible to get in Canada.

La Cantina~ Remember the gnocchi?

God! Only 5. This is so unfair. Did I mention that I love to eat?

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

Cheezy London, England
Madge Florida, U.S.A.
Earl Long Island, N.Y., U.S.A.
Badgerdaddy Ludlow, England
Moxy Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Food and Finery

2007-05-07T21:30:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot that I have another blog.

One of our rose vines. Can't wait for buds!

Last year's Mothers Day gift in bloom once more.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

2007-05-07T08:31:00.000-05:00

Don't get your panties in a jam. I'm posting some pics soon. But my camera batteries have to charge.

BLECH!

2007-05-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

I am sick. I haven't been sick in over 2 years. This sucks. That's all I got right now folks.

What Are You Doing For The Next Ten Years?

2007-04-27T21:19:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, but I hate junk mail. We get flyers hucked at our front lawn several times a week. I have yet to sit up all night in wait of the litter fuck who gets paid to throw garbage at my house. Then we get more in our PO box: solicitations from credit companies and charities, promotions from stores and a local newspaper we don't even subscribe to. All of it is garbage. For the small percentage I might actually read or use, it is certainly not worth the tree death and energy consumption to have it. I think this crap is invasive, wasteful and a danger to the environment. With the growing trend to mend our planet, junk mail and any soliciting of the like should be made illegal and by subscription only. What say you?

The Kid VS. Canadian Tire Man

2007-04-21T23:44:00.000-05:00

Enter Dad and kid looking for rake for 3 year old kid. A kid sized rake. They look and look, but no such rake to be found. They search out Canadian Tire Man in red shirt

KID- "What the heck is this?"

C.T. MAN- "Wha huh?"

KID- "You have no small pink rake?"

C.T. MAN- "Uh. I"m not sure."

A search throughout the store ensues to find a small purple rake.

KID- " Ok. But my favourtie colour is pink."

What Flower Are You?

2007-04-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

I am a
Canna

What Flower
Are You?

"You stand up for what you believe in, even if it gets in the way of what other people think. You are proud of yourself and your accomplishments and you enjoy letting people know that."

Can You BEElieve it?

2007-04-17T21:55:00.000-05:00

Albert Einstein once said that if the
bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left."

Do This Cause It's Fun Dammit

2007-04-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

Stole this from facebook. I know. I'm a traitor. Shut up and listen.
Google this "(insert your name here) likes to" and see what comes up. I did and these are the results...

Kathleen likes to burp and thinks it’s okay. Natasha thinks it’s disgusting and not like a lady. (Fuck you Natasha!)
Kathleen likes to hear the fun music while we exercise. I see how she claps her hands and kicks her legs up and down to the music
“Kathleen likes to cook, so she’s always dropping off a plate of something to someone,” (That is sooo not like me.)
Kathleen likes to hear fish bubbles as she falls asleep
Kathleen likes to speak in sexually explicit political analogies. (it's as if they're really talking about me)
Kathleen likes to get drunk and piss the bed. ( I think that should have said Earl)
Kathleen likes to {shake it insanely} (like a polaroid picture!)

Love the Blues

2007-04-08T22:24:00.000-05:00

Pura Fe. Now. Slyde. This is music.

2007-04-04T16:20:00.000-05:00

Tiny Little Ads!

am i the only one who remembers this freak?

2007-04-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Lucy Lawless

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Blogger Bites

2007-04-02T09:41:00.000-05:00

Too cute....but again I ask, why won't Youtube post to blogger anymore??????? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-03-28T22:20:00.001-05:00

Funny. This is nothing like I have ever been told.
But hey. Who's complaining anyhow ;o)

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

I'm So Addicted...

2007-03-28T14:56:00.000-05:00

...to facebook. It hasn't even been 2 days and I've already lost several hours of sleep.

help me

Another Stolen Meme

2007-03-26T13:29:00.000-05:00

Really. No need to be tagged. I just steal em from folks like Cheezy

3 Things That Scare Me:
This
Evangelists
Spiders

3 People Who Make Me Laugh:
John Cleese
Will Ferrell
Chris Rock

3 Things I Love:
My better half
My daughters
Cooking and Music...I know that's 4...but I just couldn't choose!

3 Things I Hate:
Ignorance
Bad Drivers
Seeds in my oranges and grapes

3 Things I Don't Understand:
Calculus
Organized Religion
My computer

3 Things On My Desk
Lots of Books
Wedding crap
Dust

3 Things I'm Doing Right Now:
Thinking
Baby balancing
Writing a meme

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
Be published more than once in several genres
Travel more
Perform again

3 Things I Can Do:
draw
play piano
sing

3 Things I Can't Do:
Ski or Skate (not without falling on me arse anyhow)
Play guitar...and I've always wanted to.
Whistle. Sounds more like a deflating balloon.

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To:
That little voice inside your head that says "Nuh, uh, uh. Turning the car into oncoming traffic is COUNTER PRODUCTIVE!" or "it might not be such a good idea to keep a gun...in the glove compartment."~Jim Carrey
a VARIETY of music
Children

3 Things You Should Never Listen To:
Tabloids
Beer Goggles
Leprechauns

3 Things I'd Like To Learn:
Illustration
Guitar
More piano

3 Favourite Foods:
Soup
Pasta
Seafood

3 Shows I Watched As A Kid:
Dr. Snuggles
The Dukes of Hazard
The Hilarious House of Frightenstein

3 Bloggers I've tagged:
Anyone
Who
Wants

A Gift For Liz.

2007-03-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

Am I The Only One Who Can't Post From You Tube Anymore?

2007-03-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

Here's a stupid link to hilarity.

Green

2007-03-20T14:16:00.000-05:00

The last time I can recall celebrating St. Patty's Day was about 10 years ago. The operative word being recall. But, March 17th, 2007? This day is forever etched into my psyche.

We hopped aboard a GO bus bound for Toronto. A bus I used to travel on frequently back in my University days. A bus I had forgotten existed. Too bad really. I'm sure I've wasted much time, gas and road rage travelling the Q.E.W. in my car all these years. Earlier that day I was smacked with a headache when the hubby smoked us out of the house by burning his must have toast. (He's always eating. That is something we'll discuss again a little later.) The pounding had almost subsided when much to my displeasure did the idiot behind me start laughing at regular and annoying intervals. What was he laughing at? Dunno. Don't care. But we snapped a pic on Liz's phone all the same. Maybe she'll show it to ya.

6:30 or somewhere there by; We have arrived at GO Union Station(not to be confused with Union Station. Another thing we'll come back to later.) Damn it's chilly. No. Make that freezing! The wind is whipping up my skirt like a wind that isn't whipping won't. Another forgotten T.O. memory. Chicago ain't the only windy city my friends. And with the wind comes the lovely stench of rot...or maybe it's Angus Thripshaw? Da Da Dum (a little elbow swingin' dance). In any case, we walked a few city blocks full of anticipation. Along the way we passed my old stompin' grounds and a few pubs that were already overflowing with lines of eager drinkers and drunkards and maybe even a few leprechauns...or maybe that was later. Not sure now. Worry started to set in that we might have to wait in the literally stinkin' cold. Nearing the bar I could see that the line was much smaller than we had seen previously, consisting of 30 people at best. Well. Let. Me. Tell. You. A line of 30 waits 2 hours. I'm fairly decent at math, so that's 60 minutes per hour multiplied by 2 is 120 minutes divided by 30 is 4. So, every 4 minutes 1 person entered the building. HOLY SHIT! Except that sneaky miss Liz was slipped a smoking pass by some loverly fellar leaving the bar and she got in 20 minutes before the man and I. Bitch! I almost lost my toes.

9:00pm, or there abouts and we are finally sitting down with a pint and an irish whiskey in hand. Ahhhh. As my good friend Bucky used to say, thank god for that sweet, delicious booze. About 1/2 a pint later and Moxy and Green Fish make their entrance looking much like the fine photos they have shared; Fish sporting his fabulous mohawk and Moxy with her sweet sweet smile. But as the night went on, we discovered they were just the sort of folk you only come across when stars collide (or is that align?). They are rich with character, humour and warmth. Later that night Moxy fluffed the pillows and turned down the sheets to her own bed for me and the man, whilst she slept on the couch and fish slept on a dog bed. He insisted. But the man repaid them with a fridge full of floor kaisers, meat, sliced cheese and hot sauce. Let me come back to that.

Entering stage right is Newfie Steve. SIDE STORY- earlier in line I was telling liz about the show Keeping Up Appearances and how Hyacinth was a wannabe royal brit who insists that her last name,Bucket, is actually pronounced Bouquet. Not sure how the topic came up but it did. Then low and behold we meet Steve...END OF SIDE STORY- ...but we can call him Bucket. What did he say? We can call him Bucket? Of course we just had to tell him the side story and his response was "oh ya. I used to work with a fag who insisted on calling me Bouquet." Allllllrighty then. What are the ridiculous chances? Turns out Bucket was here from the East Coast to support his cousin who was touring with his choir, Men of the Deeps.

Entering stage left is Angus Thripshaw and Larry David. Not too much to tell here except that I had no idea the 2 were musically inclined. WTF?

At some point this guy joined our group.

And as all good leaches do, he hung on. As you can see, I was rather confused by his presence. He also had an equally annoying friend who sat behind me muttering and occasionally would ask me if I was all right. Funny. I had been wondering the same thing about him.

After much laughter, Irish song, and copious amounts of deeelicious booze we had closed the bar. When the last time I did that was...well...3 weeks ago for Liz's birthday.

Anyhoo, with the offer to stay at our new blog friends' apartment we forcibly piled into a cab and then spilled out onto the sidewalk a few blocks later. On the way towards the apartment we stopped at one of the many RABBA food marts for a little drinkie mix. Once settled in upstairs, Green fish poured us a fine green cocktail (rather fitting) of which we were not to ask the ingredients. All of a sudden the hubby realized he was starving and a little unnerved at the fact that noone had purchased any beef. Cause everyone needs beef at a quarter to four in the A.M. After discovering noone would deliver any beef, he trotted back down to the store, returning with none other than...no beef. He did however find the floor kaisers. Yes. In the gals first trip into the store they had admired in horror the bags of kaisers that were being displayed, elegantly on the floor. Apparently the man thought they needed rescuing along with one length of polish sausage, sliced cheese, 2 tomatoes, 4 Johnny Canuck-ring of fire dried pepperettes, 1 bag of blue corn chips, 1 tub of hummus and of course- something the man can never do without- a bottle of hot sauce. None of which he ate. Instead. He passed out.

For 3 lovely hours the man on I slept on our friends' soft, warm bed. Several hours and numerous vomits from the male section later, we made our way out for breakfast. Despite clear skies and a blinding sun, the streets were windier and colder than ever. In return for the comfort of their abode, we treated moxy and fish to breakfast and bid them a short farewell. We had a bus to catch. Our cabbie must have been more hungover than we were cause he took us to the train station(Union Station) instead of the bus station(GO Union Station). They're close. But not close enough. By the time our feet hit the platform it was 11:33 and we had missed the bus we'd planned on taking. Ah well. Liz found an abandoned newspaper to occupy her time. In it we discovered that someone may be plotting the death of Stephen Harper.

St. Patty's Day Tales

2007-03-18T13:55:00.000-05:00

So much to tell so little time.
Full story -complete with photos- to come and here are some of the highlights:

met moxy and green fish
Angus Thripshaw lives!
laughing on the inside
Keeping up (newfie) Appearances
Larry David on keys

...and much much more my mind is too foggy to recollect at this time.

Weekend Viewing

2007-03-15T13:06:00.000-05:00

Great Grandpa and baby.

My cousin's birthday...just 2 weeks before my daughter. My uncle and I are only 12 years apart and had our first children the same year.

My daughter watching her birthday balloons fly through the air.

Three cousins, all born the same year, having a rousing game of Dora dominos.

More 3 year old art. This is Smudge's 2nd portrait on doodle board.

As Seen On Paper

2007-03-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

My brother sent me this one. It's pretty funny, like when your friend asks the cab driver if he just ate a sub cause his cab smells like fresh sub, but really it was the cabbie that smelt and it probably wasn't sub at all, just really bad bad B.O. like the guy I had to sit beside in band whose stench was so rank that it actually hurt my nose forcing me to cover it with my sleeve in between toots on my french horn. True stories, like those untold of the E.R.

Every year, English teachers from across the US can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners...

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19
p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

There Really Is A Market For Everything

2007-03-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

Inspired by TBDOA!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaah!
Please tell me I'm not the only one who finds this creepy!
And expensive! Holy crap!

van DAMME thems some bad moves...and I mean bad.

2007-03-09T12:19:00.000-05:00

Almost worse than the Hoff.
Definately worse than the Hoff and quite possibly even Dustin Diamond.

Stolen Meme

2007-03-07T15:45:00.000-05:00

Saw this at Joe's and Cheezy's. Stole it.
And here ya go...

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Cook
2. Yamaha Piano and Guitar Sales
3. Kitchen Manager
4. Bartender

Four movies I would watch over and over (and have):this is a toughy cause I don't usually watch more than once.
1. Goodfellas
2. The Shining
3. Happy Gilmour
4. Carlitos Way

Four places I have lived:
1. Hamilton, ON
2. Toronto, ON
3. Oakville, ON
4. Mount Hope, ON

Four TV shows I like to watch:
1. LOST
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Law and Order SVU and Criminal Intent
4. Criminal Minds

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Quebec City, Quebec
2. Minneapolis, Minnesota
3. South Carolina: Myrtle Beach and Hilton Head
4. England: London, Kent, Nottinghamshire, Bath, Paignton

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Soup
2. Pasta
3. Seafood
4. Cheese

Four of my favorite animals:
1. Eagles
2. All cats
3. Cows
4. Dolphins

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. The Muskokas
2. Australia
3. Italy
4. Islay, Scotland YES! Drinking a fabulous single malt!

Overheard At Our House

2007-03-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

The 3year old- "Look at the stupid cat. I'm gonna kick it in the nut sack!"

Me- "What? Hon. What did she just say?"

Hon- (laughing hysterically)"She said nut sack!"

Me- (trying to contain laughter so that 3year old isn't rewarded for the bad word) "sssshhhh! Where did she learn that?" (note hint of sarcasm)

Hon- "Not from me."

Me- "Ok. Keep telling yourself that."

Get Out Yer Spoons

2007-03-02T15:47:00.000-05:00

SOUP'S ON!

It Makes My Head Hurt

2007-03-01T15:04:00.000-05:00

TV last night. Before watching LOST I had some time to kill and there was about zero on. Till I stumbled across this retarded pile of crap. But what the hell do I expect from FOX anyhow. The woman on this show had a GPA of 3.3. But apparently she slipped on the ice and bashed her head on her way into the studio, cause she was missing a few points. One of the questions was, "which country shares the longest border with the US?" She got it wrong. She had to use a lifeline from a 10 year old...who got it right. Somehow the dumb broad managed to go home with 100 grand after getting the question, "how many decades are in 2 millenia?" wrong. AAAAAAAH!!!!!!! So annoying.

UPDATE- in all fairness I should have mentioned that she did in fact get the question, "what colour do you get when you mix equal parts red with equal parts yellow?" right.

Dinner Tonight

2007-02-28T19:34:00.000-05:00

Jambalaya

2007-02-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

TRANSLATOR

YUmmm

2007-02-26T23:19:00.000-05:00

eat it up

2007-02-26T14:47:00.000-05:00

Breathe

Open your eyes
wide
Look then see
Breathe
Life is sense
sweet smell
of sunlit gardens
Wrap your (self)
(in velvet)
Run run wild
over rocks
through waves
let them guide you
Rhythm
Beat the drum
Beat the drum
Resonate
Lift your spirit
Listen to the sound of peace
Live your dream
Breathe